Goal: weigh under 90 lbs by the end of the year (my birthday also)

Current weight: fluctuates between 96 and 98 lbs depending on the time of day and what I wear

I don't know if I can lose around 8 lbs in one and a half months, but I sure as hell can try.

It's 4 am right now and I just finished doing part V of Crime and Punishment. I've still got a shitload of shit left to do, but the biggest thing is over at least. I'm also starving right now, which is good.

Things have been so overwhelming lately. I have a lot of homework. I have a B in ap biology and it just goes to show that I must start reading the chapters and taking the class seriously. I have college apps to do. I've been taking research classes that seem to be going nowhere at this point and they take up most of my weekends, at least nine hours of them and usually closer to fifteen.

I have a week off for Thanksgiving next week, but before then, I have to get my college list down and give my counselor everything he needs (stamps, brag sheets, etc.) and give my teacher recommenders everything they need as well (brag sheets, statement of purpose, transcripts, etc.). And during that week, I'll have a project for AP Lit, an essay to write, and the last part of Crime and Punishment to do as well as stuff for all my other classes. I also intend to get some of my private school shit done.

The deadlines are foreboding and my procrastination detrimental.

A boy told me on Thursday that I was at a good weight--not sickly thin as this one girl but still sort of skinny. I wasn't sure whether I should take him seriously as he took this fat but very pretty girl to prom. I wished I was sickly thin though.

I've been drinking my calories more lately and it seems to decrease the amount I eat. I just need to get some diet hot chocolate again. I also love coffee now.

I must fast for two of the days I'm home next week.

I have seven weeks to reach my goal.

I'm sure no one bothers to read this anymore. And that's fine.

I felt completely in love with the world today. The sky was absolutely beautiful . The way water vapor condensed to form the clouds, the way those foggy forms situated themselves amidst the abyss of killer blue space, and the way sunlight refracted and reflected off those mid-state molecules of water and vapor was absolutely beautiful. I thought to myself, wow, the world's wonderful. And I felt so happy to be alive and a part of this beautiful world.

And now I feel nothing. The light outside is gone. The blue sky's turned endlessly black. And stars are hardly visible in the smog-filled industrial area where I live.

I'm at such a loss. I simply don't know. The last week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. Questbridge and SAT subject tests for math level 2, physics, and literature. But I've been so glad for friends. It's over now, but I feel somethings still lingering and it's suffocating me. I feel so much internal pressure for some reason. I honestly feel so sick of myself and life.

I keep eating too much. It stops now. I'll only eat at school to keep my stomach from growling in class now. I'll skip lunch afterschool. I'll avoid dinner with the family. I'll keep my retainers permanently in my mouth. I want to be thin.

I'll get my sleep now and wake up to start the day tomorrow with some exercise. I need to stock up on some healthier foods. Even the bread I have at home is fucking fattening. 90 calories per slice. Are you fucking kidding me?

- instant noodles (280), 3 egg whites (60), 2 pieces imitation crabmeat (60), two wontons (100) (500)

- 3 chewy bars (300)

- .5 cup fiber one (60)

- two oranges (150)

- pork fu and seaweed (100)

- 8 mini dumplings (140)

=1250

tomorrow:

- lc meal (300)

- chewy bar (100)

- cereal (60)

- lunch? (300)

-

eh i dont even care.

-soup at hand (80)

- pork fu (70)

- spam musubi (700)

- thai tea with boba (300)

- diet hot coco with soy milk (100)

= 1250

damn shouldn't've had the spam musubi...

I've decided to take a break from writing. My sat scores really disappointed me, even though they were good. I don't know. I just feel like I can't call myself a writer anymore.

yesterdays intake:

- chicken sandwich (150)

- soup (150)

- two chewy bars (200)

- cereal (300)

- dinner: some rice and broccoli and meat (300)

- some pork fu (50)

- diet hot coco with some soymilk (75)

=1225

- tuna sandwich (150)

- chewy bar (100)

- cereal (200)

- half an apple and some apple juice (100)

- half bag of instant noodles, egg whites, imitation crabmeat (350)

- fruit snacks (200)

- dinner: curry house; no idea (700?)

- piece of white chocolate and two bites of low fat vanilla ice cream (100)

= 1900

shit.

no idea for tomorrow. might go to a dumpling house with my grandma in the morning. music festival or a brithday party in the afternoon. club dinner at night. let's just hope i walk a lot.

Today's intake:

- tuna sandwich (150)

- chewy bar (100)

- peach cup (75)

- 3 bites of a burger (75)

- instant noodles with egg whites (300)

- strawberry pocky sticks (200)

- dinner: rice (80), broccoli soup (150), some udon (150), tempura shrimp and chicken (300)

- diet hot chocolate mix blended with soy milk and ice (70)

=1650

weight: 98.4 lbs

Tomorrow's intake:

- tuna sandwich (150)
- chewy bar (100)

- school lunch (400)

- tuna or chicken sandwich (150)

- dinner (400)

= 1200

Goals for tomorrow:
- get ahead on gov/econ homeowrk

- read a chapter of moby dick and do notes

Today's intake:

- terriyaki eel rice (400)

- cereal (100)

- lunch at school: 3 chicken nuggets (275?), juice (50), small banana (75) (400)

- dinner: some pasta (200) and salmon (200) (400)

- chewy bar (100)

- 3 pieces of a hersheys cookie and cream bar (60) and 3 caramel candies (40) (100)

=1500

meh.

I finished my homework early today and took a two hour nap though, so that was nice. I also exercised a bit while reading my textbook and went to target after I ate dinner, so I got in some walking. I got everything done that I wanted to, but I still wasted a lot of time and ended up using the computer more than I'd like to... ):

Tomorrow's intake:

breakfast: sandwich with tuna (150)

school: chewy bar (100) and school lunch (400)

after school: sandwich (150)

dinner: whatever mum makes (400)

= 1200

Tomorrow's time table:

05:45 wake up

07:00 school

01:30 nap

03:00 summer school homework

06:00 chapter 2 moby dick

07:00 dinner

"if you have time, don't wait for time"

- Benjamin Franklin

Today's intake:

- soup (100)

-cereal and fruit (200)

- chewy bar (100)

- half a baguette (200)

- eggroll (100)
-fruit snacks (100)

-ramen (500)

- iced milk drink with pudding and boba (500)

=1800 ish

ahh I fucked up as the day continued..

Tomorrow's intake:

-leftover eel rice (400)

-cereal (100)

-fruit (100)

-maybe school lunch (300)

-broccoli (100)

-dinner (400)

=1100-1400

Tomorrow's time table:

05:45 - wake up

07:00- school

01:30 - nap

03:00 - gov/econ homework

06:00 - first chapter of moby dick and cornell notes

07:00 - dinner

08:00 - computer

09:00 - computer off; prepare for bed

I feel so goddamn idle all the time. And I'm so fucking tired because I procrastinated on my homework and kept using the computer and went out to eat with my brothers and now I'm sleepy and tired and I have a headache. I don't know why I can't just focus on my schoolwork and stop wasting so much time.

Tomorrow, I'll restrict my computer and internet usage. I'll sign off tumblr and facebook now. I must stop this. I feel so shitty lately.

I used to say I wanted to do something with my life, but how can I when there's nothing I want to do?

That was what I wrote in a letter to myself for english class at the start of the school year. I forgot everything I had written and was freaked out by how true everything still rings. It was such a sad letter too.

I've gained weight again. I'm currently 100.0 lbs and it disgusts me. I want to lose weight and it freaks me out how that's one of the only things I really want to do.

Summer vacation started for me last Thursday and I started summer school today. I really want to lose weight this summer and get my weight down to under 90 lbs. I can do it, if only I stop being so idle with my time.

And so I've decided to blog everyday this summer. I'll post my intake, no matter how shameful, my weight, and perhaps a picture or quote I like.

So today's intake:

- bowl of leftover fried rice for breakfast (400)

- chewy bar (100)

- fruit cup from school lunch (100?)

- half a serving of pad see ew (400)

- about a cup of thai tea (200)

- dinner: some rice (100), 5 chicken wings (350), some veggie soup (50)

- some fruit snacks and 2 sugar free caramel candies (100)

=1750

Intended intake for tomorrow:

-breakfast: vegetable and pasta soup (120)

-school: chewy bar (100), fruit (100), and maybe lunch if its good (300?), and bring tea

-after school: broccoli (100)

-dinner: whatever mum makes (400)

=820-1120

I'm currently around 97/98 lbs at night. Which is still bad. Fuck, 7 months ago, I was five lbs lighter..

But I can lose the weight. I can.

So I went to prom last week. The boy asked me super late and with strawberries and a note to meet him in the quad at lunch. I wish I had said yes differently. I feel too easy.

Prom was a nice but partly very awkward affair for me. I can't dance. But I tried to, cause the boy is in love with music (as am I) and enjoys dancing, but it was mostly a fail and also super awkward. He was very nice about it though, which made me feel bad.

He sort of had his arm around me a lot during the night, but in a nice, slightly romantic sort of way. He's very warm.

I don't want to get into a lot of detail, because I already wrote about it in my notebook and I hate getting too personal and girly and mushy on stuff like this.

But afterwards, we barely talked. He didn't im or text or facebook me or anything. But I sent him a song on sunday night before we went back to school, and we talked for a while, and he asked me to call him to wake him up the next morning. But he didn't pick up, but he had said not to worry about calling again if that happened. And in school, we didn't really talk at all. We have one class together, journalism. And he spent it talking to his other friends. But he came up to me in the middle of class, offering me my prom ticket, in case I had wanted to keep it. And so I did.

The next day was almost as uneventful. However, this other guy in journalism teased me endlessly about my attempts at dancing at prom. And another one of his friends trolled him by asking me how prom was and how he was as a date. I stayed in during lunch, as did he, partly. And he offered to pay me back for the prom pictures, but I refused.

Wednesday. He and his friend went to the pod to make popcorn or some shit and never came out, so the teacher thought they left and had me go look for them. I went even though I knew where they were just because I wanted to get out of class. He came looking for me a while after. And we sort of talked a bit again. When we got back to class, his friend was in the seat behind mine, so he stayed close to me, but I put my head down and ignored him. He then gave me a cd, saying I should listen to it. We both stayed in during lunch again and his friend trolled me. And he got all embarrassed about this manga he reads cause it has close to 1000 chapters and he didn't want me to know. And when I got home, I realized he had the wrong cd in the cd case, so we talked a bit about music and I downloaded the album he really wanted me to hear.

Thursday. Today. It was better. I entered class listening to my ipod, and he came up to me and started telling me a funny story as I was putting my ipod away. And then I got called out of class for an awards ceremony. (I got a science award for physics.) And we both stayed in for lunch for a few minutes, but he left before me. And he gave me a hug this time, which surprised me. Only, I was in my seat, and he had his backpack on, so it was entirely awkward, and I accidentally grabbed his ass. But he took his backpack off and rehugged me and his friend trolled him.

And so I'm confused about him.

Anyways, I want to lose weight still. Boys are always a good distraction.

I feel so out of it. I've gained a few lbs. I'm back to 99 lbs at night. Fuck. I need to start losing weight again. The thing is, it's easy when I don't think about it.

At the beginning of the year, I was around 99lbs too, because I had gained like 4 lbs during winter break, but I lost it all, got done to about 93 lbs again within about the first there or maybe four week of January. During the second half of that time period, it was easy because this boy and I started texting and it kept my mind off food. And I know it's completely pathetic to say, but I gained again after he stopped texting me.

So now I'm 99 lbs again and it kind of sucks. The boy and I talk on and off but I need to get over him. Not that there was much of anything to get over in the first place, but still.

So I'm in need of a plan and some motivation.

I currently have the number 87 written on my palm. It reminds me of my goal (more or less) which is helpful because I realize that I sometimes eat without realizing it or without keeping my goal in mind.

I'm not so sure how good I can be tomorrow because my brother is home from college and will probably want to go out to eat. I also have no school tomorrow.

But if he doesn't, here's the plan:

b. 10AM slice of toast with peanut butter (I have the one that's half the cals of regular pb) and bananas (150)

l. 1PM half a bag of udon with egg whites and broccoli (250)

s. 4PM slice of toast with peanut butter and banana (150)

d. 7PM whatever my parents make (400)

meh.

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm seventeen now. Fuck.

But I don't feel any different, just a bit dismayed by the growing number, the growing age, the growing me.

I spent my birthday mostly in my room, writing in my journal, making up for the last week in which I haven't written. It's become a tradition for my new year's resolutions to be birthday ones. After all, every birthday is a new year for me.

I don't feel seventeen at all. There's so many things typical of the teenage years that I haven't done. I only drank and played beer pong for the first time three days ago and I still get the drugs that rolling and blazing are associated with mixed up. I've never done drugs and though I don't really plan to, it just feels like I'm not living up to my age.

With this new year comes college apps. I'm dreading it. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, which college I want to go to, what I want to learn about the most. I look to my future with doubts and hesitation. I don't want to make the wrong decision.

I want to believe though, that the future doesn't scare me at all.