Goal: weigh under 90 lbs by the end of the year (my birthday also)

Current weight: fluctuates between 96 and 98 lbs depending on the time of day and what I wear

I don't know if I can lose around 8 lbs in one and a half months, but I sure as hell can try.

It's 4 am right now and I just finished doing part V of Crime and Punishment. I've still got a shitload of shit left to do, but the biggest thing is over at least. I'm also starving right now, which is good.

Things have been so overwhelming lately. I have a lot of homework. I have a B in ap biology and it just goes to show that I must start reading the chapters and taking the class seriously. I have college apps to do. I've been taking research classes that seem to be going nowhere at this point and they take up most of my weekends, at least nine hours of them and usually closer to fifteen.

I have a week off for Thanksgiving next week, but before then, I have to get my college list down and give my counselor everything he needs (stamps, brag sheets, etc.) and give my teacher recommenders everything they need as well (brag sheets, statement of purpose, transcripts, etc.). And during that week, I'll have a project for AP Lit, an essay to write, and the last part of Crime and Punishment to do as well as stuff for all my other classes. I also intend to get some of my private school shit done.

The deadlines are foreboding and my procrastination detrimental.

A boy told me on Thursday that I was at a good weight--not sickly thin as this one girl but still sort of skinny. I wasn't sure whether I should take him seriously as he took this fat but very pretty girl to prom. I wished I was sickly thin though.

I've been drinking my calories more lately and it seems to decrease the amount I eat. I just need to get some diet hot chocolate again. I also love coffee now.

I must fast for two of the days I'm home next week.

I have seven weeks to reach my goal.

I'm sure no one bothers to read this anymore. And that's fine.

I felt completely in love with the world today. The sky was absolutely beautiful . The way water vapor condensed to form the clouds, the way those foggy forms situated themselves amidst the abyss of killer blue space, and the way sunlight refracted and reflected off those mid-state molecules of water and vapor was absolutely beautiful. I thought to myself, wow, the world's wonderful. And I felt so happy to be alive and a part of this beautiful world.

And now I feel nothing. The light outside is gone. The blue sky's turned endlessly black. And stars are hardly visible in the smog-filled industrial area where I live.

I'm at such a loss. I simply don't know. The last week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. Questbridge and SAT subject tests for math level 2, physics, and literature. But I've been so glad for friends. It's over now, but I feel somethings still lingering and it's suffocating me. I feel so much internal pressure for some reason. I honestly feel so sick of myself and life.

I keep eating too much. It stops now. I'll only eat at school to keep my stomach from growling in class now. I'll skip lunch afterschool. I'll avoid dinner with the family. I'll keep my retainers permanently in my mouth. I want to be thin.

I'll get my sleep now and wake up to start the day tomorrow with some exercise. I need to stock up on some healthier foods. Even the bread I have at home is fucking fattening. 90 calories per slice. Are you fucking kidding me?

- instant noodles (280), 3 egg whites (60), 2 pieces imitation crabmeat (60), two wontons (100) (500)

- 3 chewy bars (300)

- .5 cup fiber one (60)

- two oranges (150)

- pork fu and seaweed (100)

- 8 mini dumplings (140)

=1250

tomorrow:

- lc meal (300)

- chewy bar (100)

- cereal (60)

- lunch? (300)

-

eh i dont even care.

-soup at hand (80)

- pork fu (70)

- spam musubi (700)

- thai tea with boba (300)

- diet hot coco with soy milk (100)

= 1250

damn shouldn't've had the spam musubi...

I've decided to take a break from writing. My sat scores really disappointed me, even though they were good. I don't know. I just feel like I can't call myself a writer anymore.

yesterdays intake:

- chicken sandwich (150)

- soup (150)

- two chewy bars (200)

- cereal (300)

- dinner: some rice and broccoli and meat (300)

- some pork fu (50)

- diet hot coco with some soymilk (75)

=1225

- tuna sandwich (150)

- chewy bar (100)

- cereal (200)

- half an apple and some apple juice (100)

- half bag of instant noodles, egg whites, imitation crabmeat (350)

- fruit snacks (200)

- dinner: curry house; no idea (700?)

- piece of white chocolate and two bites of low fat vanilla ice cream (100)

= 1900

shit.

no idea for tomorrow. might go to a dumpling house with my grandma in the morning. music festival or a brithday party in the afternoon. club dinner at night. let's just hope i walk a lot.

Today's intake:

- tuna sandwich (150)

- chewy bar (100)

- peach cup (75)

- 3 bites of a burger (75)

- instant noodles with egg whites (300)

- strawberry pocky sticks (200)

- dinner: rice (80), broccoli soup (150), some udon (150), tempura shrimp and chicken (300)

- diet hot chocolate mix blended with soy milk and ice (70)

=1650

weight: 98.4 lbs

Tomorrow's intake:

- tuna sandwich (150)
- chewy bar (100)

- school lunch (400)

- tuna or chicken sandwich (150)

- dinner (400)

= 1200

Goals for tomorrow:
- get ahead on gov/econ homeowrk

- read a chapter of moby dick and do notes