I'm currently around 97/98 lbs at night. Which is still bad. Fuck, 7 months ago, I was five lbs lighter..

But I can lose the weight. I can.

So I went to prom last week. The boy asked me super late and with strawberries and a note to meet him in the quad at lunch. I wish I had said yes differently. I feel too easy.

Prom was a nice but partly very awkward affair for me. I can't dance. But I tried to, cause the boy is in love with music (as am I) and enjoys dancing, but it was mostly a fail and also super awkward. He was very nice about it though, which made me feel bad.

He sort of had his arm around me a lot during the night, but in a nice, slightly romantic sort of way. He's very warm.

I don't want to get into a lot of detail, because I already wrote about it in my notebook and I hate getting too personal and girly and mushy on stuff like this.

But afterwards, we barely talked. He didn't im or text or facebook me or anything. But I sent him a song on sunday night before we went back to school, and we talked for a while, and he asked me to call him to wake him up the next morning. But he didn't pick up, but he had said not to worry about calling again if that happened. And in school, we didn't really talk at all. We have one class together, journalism. And he spent it talking to his other friends. But he came up to me in the middle of class, offering me my prom ticket, in case I had wanted to keep it. And so I did.

The next day was almost as uneventful. However, this other guy in journalism teased me endlessly about my attempts at dancing at prom. And another one of his friends trolled him by asking me how prom was and how he was as a date. I stayed in during lunch, as did he, partly. And he offered to pay me back for the prom pictures, but I refused.

Wednesday. He and his friend went to the pod to make popcorn or some shit and never came out, so the teacher thought they left and had me go look for them. I went even though I knew where they were just because I wanted to get out of class. He came looking for me a while after. And we sort of talked a bit again. When we got back to class, his friend was in the seat behind mine, so he stayed close to me, but I put my head down and ignored him. He then gave me a cd, saying I should listen to it. We both stayed in during lunch again and his friend trolled me. And he got all embarrassed about this manga he reads cause it has close to 1000 chapters and he didn't want me to know. And when I got home, I realized he had the wrong cd in the cd case, so we talked a bit about music and I downloaded the album he really wanted me to hear.

Thursday. Today. It was better. I entered class listening to my ipod, and he came up to me and started telling me a funny story as I was putting my ipod away. And then I got called out of class for an awards ceremony. (I got a science award for physics.) And we both stayed in for lunch for a few minutes, but he left before me. And he gave me a hug this time, which surprised me. Only, I was in my seat, and he had his backpack on, so it was entirely awkward, and I accidentally grabbed his ass. But he took his backpack off and rehugged me and his friend trolled him.

And so I'm confused about him.

Anyways, I want to lose weight still. Boys are always a good distraction.

I feel so out of it. I've gained a few lbs. I'm back to 99 lbs at night. Fuck. I need to start losing weight again. The thing is, it's easy when I don't think about it.

At the beginning of the year, I was around 99lbs too, because I had gained like 4 lbs during winter break, but I lost it all, got done to about 93 lbs again within about the first there or maybe four week of January. During the second half of that time period, it was easy because this boy and I started texting and it kept my mind off food. And I know it's completely pathetic to say, but I gained again after he stopped texting me.

So now I'm 99 lbs again and it kind of sucks. The boy and I talk on and off but I need to get over him. Not that there was much of anything to get over in the first place, but still.

So I'm in need of a plan and some motivation.

I currently have the number 87 written on my palm. It reminds me of my goal (more or less) which is helpful because I realize that I sometimes eat without realizing it or without keeping my goal in mind.

I'm not so sure how good I can be tomorrow because my brother is home from college and will probably want to go out to eat. I also have no school tomorrow.

But if he doesn't, here's the plan:

b. 10AM slice of toast with peanut butter (I have the one that's half the cals of regular pb) and bananas (150)

l. 1PM half a bag of udon with egg whites and broccoli (250)

s. 4PM slice of toast with peanut butter and banana (150)

d. 7PM whatever my parents make (400)

meh.

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm seventeen now. Fuck.

But I don't feel any different, just a bit dismayed by the growing number, the growing age, the growing me.

I spent my birthday mostly in my room, writing in my journal, making up for the last week in which I haven't written. It's become a tradition for my new year's resolutions to be birthday ones. After all, every birthday is a new year for me.

I don't feel seventeen at all. There's so many things typical of the teenage years that I haven't done. I only drank and played beer pong for the first time three days ago and I still get the drugs that rolling and blazing are associated with mixed up. I've never done drugs and though I don't really plan to, it just feels like I'm not living up to my age.

With this new year comes college apps. I'm dreading it. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, which college I want to go to, what I want to learn about the most. I look to my future with doubts and hesitation. I don't want to make the wrong decision.

I want to believe though, that the future doesn't scare me at all.

I have a fucking B in physics and ap us history. Not good.

I'm sure I can raise my physics grades, since the teacher forgot to count the curve. Plus, I pwned the second test he hasn't graded yet.

But Apush. I don't know ): I dind't turn in a project online, and that got my grade down 50%, and apparently that's like a 9% drop in my total grade. But other projects shouldve balanced it out. But I'm not sure if she's graded them yet. I need to talk to her tomorrow. Been fucking acing my tests. What the fuck is this?

Sorry, I'm usually not that much of a cusser, but I'm so sad ): I haven't gotten a B since sixth grade.

I've decided that I'm not going to worry about my weight and dieting for the next week, and just focus on my studies and finals. I have physics, calc and english finals next week. then winter break. then the rest of my finals.

I need to be more antisocial and nerdy, I swear.

Tomorrow I have the club mtg and social event. Hopefully I can go shoppping for christmas presents after. If not then sat. Gosh so much ):

Christmas stuff is gonna take a while too ):

this weekend I'll have:

-two chs of notes

-physics practice problems

-calc hw

I don't even want to think. Back to notes.

I just feel like making a major list. So here goes:

Tomorrow:

- fettuccine smart choice meal (250) with green tea and maybe coffee

- sandwich with 4 turkey slices (170)

- broccoli or an apple after school (80)

- whatever's for dinner (500)

reminders:

- retainers in!

- dancing's fun

- be productive

- water!

schedule:

6 wake

8-3 school

chem at lunch

3-4 physics tutoring

4-5 home; snack; nap?

5-6 club mtg

6 shower

7 dinner

7:30 math homework, and whatever else

*no computer until all homework not needing the comp is done

then practice some physics problems

I'm staying up today to get some shit done. I need to study for chem. Or maybe I'll skip it and rely on lunchtime. I need to reread some journalism articles (as fucking editor-in-chief, you know). And get some history notes done, because I'm tired of feeling ashamed of myself and screwed when I copy my brother's old notes.

I'll stay up till one by force. And after that, it's up to my mood. I wish I had more time to read, but meh.

Life's gonna be busy ):

- english, calc, and physics finals next week

- club mtg tomorrow

- tutoring at the elem school on thursday

- club mtg on friday, and social event after

- shopping for presents on saturday and putting them together or maybe Friday, if possible

- shitload of homework and studying on sunday

- two chapters of notes this weekend

- physics tutoring everyday after school

But at least, there shouldn't be any more major writing assignments. They're the worst for me. They make me want to eat. So thank god for in class essays.

I feel like I'm forgetting some important things ):

What are you supposed to get a guy that's under five dollars, whose favorite color is blue, doesn't want school stuff, and might like sweets (though I'm already planning to bake him cookies)? (This is for secret santa at school, and he's a really nice guy)

My life's been going pretty good, I guess. Weight's still the same. Even though I've allowed myself to eat a bit more lately, I haven't really gained. Been too stressed with school I guess

There's several new guys. I've been talking to one of them on facebook for a month now. We met on Halloween. He's a friend of a friend of a friend. I was dressed up as a slutty ladybug (completely out of character for me, but I wanted to dress up and didn't have a costume so i borrowed a friend's) and he blatantly checked me out. But our convos are boring, and I'm not really interested. Even if he is apparently super rich. We just don't click. I enjoy the convos sometimes but meh. I thin

Second guy was from this social thing my club had with this guy club. He started talking to me. And he sat with me when we watched the movies. And somehow he ended up super close, that our arms were touching, and apparently he was leaning on me, but I didn't really notice. My friends kept teasing me after. Sent me texts telling me to "get some" but I do n't know about him. He's a cool guy, maybe he'd be a good friend. Apparently he doesn't usually approach girls. And he's thinks I'm really shy. meh.

All I want to do is talk to that guy from the last club social, who I talked to about books and held hands with for that game. But we've had no contact since.

And I keep wanting to see this cute guy in my chemistry class more, but i don't know ):

Oh, and there was another guy in between. At this other club social. He added me on facebook beforehand because we had breifly met after this meeting and I didn't talk much at all. He swore he'd talk to me, and he did. And he was scared he was too creepy on facebook, haha. It was the day before harry potter 7 came out, and he quickly realized that harry potter was the best way to get me to talk. And he was sort of flirting, I think, saying that I should ditch my friend and go watch part one with him, haha. We talked a bit on facebook, but that stopped to. Never really serious anyways.

Gosh, I'm becoming such a slut.

yeah, I just don't want to do homework...

reminder

I just feel like I have to remind myself of some things.

1. I'm doing this for myself.

2. Weightloss doesn't have to be miserable. It can be like a fun math problem that I carry out like a scientific experiment.

3. I'm pretty sure I still have miso soup.

4. I have a fucking exercise bike in my room. Use it.

5. Thin legs look nice.

6. Skinny nerds are cool.

7. Sitting up straight increases my metabolic rate by like 10 or 15 % I believe?

8. Retainers. Straight teeth retain me from retaining weight.

9. I can take things slowly.

10. Sandwiches are good when they're only about 125 cal each.

11. Hipsters like to dance.

12. Harry Potter comes out this Friday. I should look good for Ron. Okay, more like Draco so that I can slytherin his bed.

13. Co-editors need to go up in front of the room to write stuff on the board. They should have a nice ass and thin legs to show off.

14. Broccoli is good.

15. Remind mum to buy more gummy vitamins.

16. Focus on dieting on the weekdays. Have fun on Fridays when I'm out for club meetings and on the weekends when my big brother comes home from college an we go out to eat.

17. I'm turning 17 at the end of this year.

*And just an update: I talked to the editor about my job today and asked if I could be co-editor instead. I had told my brother about all the journalism stuff earlier and he made me completely regret my decision. Stuff about how "editor-in-chief" looks super awesome on college resumes and having it for two years is even better. And how I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life, especially if I didn't get into a college, and what if I had "editor-in-chief" on my application? And how I shouldn't underestimate myself or be scared of the work or be too nice or spare the editor's feelings, but instead take my own initiatives. The editor was all nice about it, but I still feel like a bitch. A liberated bitch, but a bitch nonetheless.

ps. Any ideas for topics to write about in the January issue? Perspectives and editorials, in particular?