exercising rhino

It's a rhino working out in hopes of becoming a unicorn.

The rhino's dream is more unrealistic than yours and mine. But it is not giving up. Neither should are we.

eyebrows

I got my eyebrows done for the first time yesterday. I'm sixteen. My mother just wouldn't let me do it before, and I didn't want to try and mess them up myself.

A girl told me I was pretty today. But then, she told our teacher that too.. Though my teacher is really pretty. She's really tall and skinny, I don't know how she does it.

I think ever since I started trying to lose weight, I've started eating more. Or wanting to. And binging. I get hungry so much faster now too ): My tummy starts growling at like second period, and it's only like two and a half hours after I've eaten breakfast.

Probably had around 1200-1300 cals today. meh.

I've been pretty good lately. Loving school; my teachers are pretty awesome. (Two of them have made Harry Potter references, which just make my day.) One is, as one of my classmates have said, just "godly." He is amazingly insightful and has such a charismatic disposition. He even played his guitar and sang us a song.

Homework is already piling up. This whole week I've stayed up until one or two and woke up at six, just to work on my projects. Mostly, it was making up for my summer procrastination (Thank goodness my teachers extended the due dates by a day). But still. I've already got a little history project to do, a whole chapter (that's about 25 pages) of notes, and an essay on another chapter I must read. This is little though, and I don't mind. I miss learning.

I've been bringing a sandwich to eat for lunch everyday, along with two granola bars and a zip lock baggie of kix (cereal), which is about 500-550 calories consumed during school, depending on what I put on my sandwich. Usually, it's less though, as I don't finish the cereal, and often eat only one granola bar, and 3/4s of my sandwich. Sandwiches are getting a bit boring though, so does anyone have any ideas of something simple that I could bring to school and preferably eat somewhat conspicuously in class?

Lunches have been pretty good, despite my fear of it being miserable. I've fallen into a routine of hanging out with a close friend in the career center, and we work on homework like the nerds we are. There's also this amazingly thin asian girl that comes in sometime. I'm guessing she's a freshman, but she's pretty tall, at least 5'6. She's good thinspo. Her jeans are so baggy on her. But I'm pretty sure she eats.

That reminds me of this other girl I met in freshman year. super thin, but in that kind of healthy looking and defined way, like a model. But she definitely ate. She was actually the one who often suggested getting lunch, and it was pizza. She even bought cookies sometimes and gave me one, as the school requires you to buy three at a time.

I'm pretty sure my ex best friend is ana again. I can't believe how obvious it is now, and how I never noticed it before. She always talks about exercise, her weight, drinking coffee, and how "full" she is. As I don't care for her now, It's completely annoying. I hope she gets fat.

Yes, I am quite bitter and, I admit, jealous. But I don't really give a shit. As long as I'm better than her at math. And english..

Highlight of the week: I slept at 9pm last night. (bed at around 8:45) This is the earliest I've slept in months, if not years. And woke up at 7. I feel so good about myself, lol.

intake:
- Lean Cuisine meal (300) and green tea (0)
- Fiber One bar (90)
- 1/2 a chewy bar (50)
- 1/2 cup kix (50)
- 3/4 sandwich w/ chicken lunch meat (150)
- 2/5 of a baguette sandwich (200)
- this asian pastry thing (300?)
- 2 pieces of ravioli (200)
- 2 dumplings and a chicken nugget (100)
total: 1440

Yeah, kind of bad.

I've been so fucking tired lately. Sleeping around 1 to 2 am and waking up at 6 for the past three or four days. I've only had one 15 minute nap too. But it's finally over. For the weekend anyway. I've got a bunch of homework already though. Need to read two chapters from my textbooks, write a 1 page essay, two leads for journalism, some math, and a mini project, but that's not due till wednesday.

I'm tired, and it's only 8 so far. I guess I'll try to stay up and finish math, so I can maybe go out during the weekend and maybe some little exercises.

motorcycle drive by

School went pretty great today. I love Journalism, though I feel intimidated in that class. I believe I made the right decision. I love all my classes. I am unsure of myself and how well I'll be able to do in them. Doubt is not such a useless feeling though. And it is often irrelevant. Even if doubt may exist, it's the challenge and my willingness to take it that matters.

I survived lunch in the career center, ran into a close of mine that I normally wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with at lunch because she has her own group of friends that I don't belong with, but we just stayed in the career center, and it was nice. I feel incredibly grateful and lucky sometimes. This is one of them.

Even if things don't go so well tomorrow. It is fine. Even if I am a loner at lunch tomorrow, it is fine. Even if I feel so alone, I can still feel alive. I will bury myself in finishing some chemistry homework (cause I'm too much of a lazy ass procrastinator to do it now) or maybe I'll will just get lost in the magical, wizarding world of Harry Potter.

"I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive"

-3EB (Third Eye Blind)

I am absolutely in love with this song. Here's what the lyricist had to say about it:

"The main idea in the song is that sometimes when you're really lonely, you really feel alive and you feel like you know who you are. "

I find it absolutely amazing, and this belief is what will get me through lonely days.
& My favorite line:

"I don't believe you, you're so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt, you're guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you"

loner

School starts tomorrow!

It doesn't feel like it at all though. I'm not really nervous. I don't think much about it. It's just, I'm a bit scared of what I'll do at lunch. I don't really have any friends I'm close enough and comfortable around to hang out with at lunch; they all have their own groups of friends. Our school doesn't exactly have a cafeteria, but we have an eating area next to the quad and we can practically roam around anywhere on campus (it's small). Besides, I don't really eat school lunch. I would go to the library, but the library is closed for the first few days of school. I'm not close to any teachers to go to their class rooms. I would go to the bleachers and just sit alone, but sometimes the guards around school make students get off it. Ahh, I just don't want to be miserable at lunch tomorrow. It's not that I mind being alone, it's just that I mind being alone in front of people. It makes me feel all self-conscious and pitiable and I hate that feeling. I really don't want to just go walking around the school grounds. Sure, I'd get some exercise, but a girl told me once that she saw me doing that and kind of felt sorry for me. It made me feel embarrassed and horrible. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I know I can sort of just force my presence on my friends/acquaintances, but that's not something I would do. My cousin is also starting school with me, but she has her own friends and I don't want to hold her down. I had actually planned to be a sort of safe haven for her. She often gets into drama with her friends, and I always hang out in the library doing my homework, so I thought it would be nice if she could always just come to me there if anything bad happened. We're pretty close.

Anyways, I still have not finished my summer homework! lol. But it's cool. I realized most everything is due on the second day of school. I've only got to do notecards for about 100 more studyguide questions, answer lab questions for chemistry, and put a project together (I've got all the work done). It's really not that bad.

I didn't have a meal plan for myself today. I was so tired yesterday that I forgot and just wrote down a schedule. But I think I made pretty good decisions for myself today. It was a nice change, and I didn't feel the need to weigh myself in the mornings like I normally do.

I am absolutely obsessed with the drama Why Why Love. I watch it with english subtitles, but I still find it incredibly cute.

pwned

my essay. Got it done last night about 15 minutes before it was due. I feel like I was too repetitive with it, but fuck it. Only thing is, I ended up sleeping at around 2, woke up at 6 before finally getting up at 7:30 this morning, and my eyes were baggy as fuck. I swear, a wrinkle formed or something. I have to take better care of myself, gosh.

The days aren't as stressful anymore though. No more binging just to avoid writing. And the things I have left, they are things I know I can get done. So things are looking up.

Today wasn't as low cal as I'd hoped, but it was a damn nice day. I was up at 7:30, baked some muffins, went to a bakesale for my club until a little after 11, then to costco, office depot, staples, and cvs. Got home at around 3. So I was pretty active for at least two hours. I actually didn't really eat that much baked goods today. I had a little piece of everything my friend made, like a pinch I ripped off from a cupcake or so. Lunch was just free samples at costco. It might've been a bit calorie dense, but I was walking the whole time, so I'm not so worried. Kind of binged at home a bit, but then dinner was just veggies and some soup.

intake:
- bread (40) w/ chicken (20)
- cupcakes/muffins/brownie bits (200)
- costco free samples (300?)
- leftover spaghetti and chicken steak (400?)
- almond nougat (35)
- bbq chips (200?)
- jello (100?)
- soup (200?)
- veggies (100?)
total: around 1600?

Hopefully, I can go grocery shopping tonight and get in a bit of walking at least. I'm planning to sleep kind of early today, because I hate that I'm ruining my health by not doing so. School starts in a few days, and I have to be up at around 5. Strawberries only if I feel like binging later on tonight.

I know I haven't been blogging lately, but I just haven't been in the mood like I used to be.

Disneyland was nice. We left early because Space Mountain broke down while we were in line, but the day was already going so nicely, I didn't mind so much even though it's my absolute favorite ride.

My weight's been 93/94 in the mornings. It's a bit depressing how I can't seem to get it down, but I've just had so much homework to worry about instead. School starts in about 4 days, and I'd like to be at least (or most?) 92lbs in the morning by then. My essay is due tonight. It's pretty inevitable that I'll eat a lot today, just because I absolutely avoid facing such things that require more thinking. But the days following, I'll diet more and get back on track and ready for school.

I decided to drop an AP class of mine. It was Spanish. I had the hardest time deciding between it and Journalism, but I feel I made the right choice for myself.

Yeah, I'm just trying to avoid writing my essay right now. Due in 9 hours. I have a lot of time, but I don't know. I feel like I'm stuck in such an unfeeling, yet miserable mood right now.

My motivation's completely dried up. I just want to indulge myself in mindless things. Binging, watching tv or a movie, reading.

I feel sad.

I've rearranged my room. I thought I needed a new work environment. But I messed it up already. I procrastinated. And binged on cereal.

I'm tired.

I feel ashamed. I procrastinate and complain about my summer homework, when there are people who wanted to take the class but didn't make it in. I binge and restrict when there are people who are starving. I yell at my parents and get into arguments with my siblings when there are people who don't have a family or have one that doesn't care. I feel unworthy of so many things. I feel so lucky sometimes. And I don't know how to not take things for granted. Do I do that by refusing things or do I take advantage of it and revel in it? Yesterday, I was rather productive. I had come to the conclusion that I should do my best with my homework, so that I would actually be deserving of my spot in class. Today, I feel like I don't care.

I feel so uncomfortable living my life sometimes.

I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow.

antisocial nerd

I haven't been caring much about my weight this past week. After coming back from Canada, I don't know. Everything just seemed to crash down on me. Not exactly in a bad way, I suppose, it was just a lot for me.

First of all, summer homework. I am a nerd. Did you know that? I'm taking 4 AP (Advanced Placement) and 2 honors classes next year (my junior year). I've got summer homework for 4 classes. I've finished the tedious and time consuming notes and stuff, but I still have a lot to do. I still have to write 20 articles for a history project, read a 500 page book and write an essay on it, complete a chemistry lab (mostly graphing stuff), write a history essay, answer 200 history questions (some of whom the answers aren't even in my book. In addition to that, I haven't even started on the homework for one of the classes (a language one), because I've decided to wait until I get my schedule to be sure that all the classes fit, because if not, its the first one I'm dropping. So that's maybe an addition 10 paragraphs, a packet of over 30 pages (two sided, so more like 60 pages), and some textbook work.


I'm also in a club that involves so much devotion and time commitment, on my part. I'm vice president. I don't even know why I'm in the club. But I really can't find the heart to quit now that I'm in it. Anyways, it's taken up my last friday, saturday, and sunday. I also got sick from being out so much, but I've just recovered today. There are times when it's really just not worth it, but I don't know, ultimately, it is. It's helped me grow. It's somewhat of a social and service club. All girls. Meetings every week. I have to plan the services too. I'm not social at all still. But it's helped. I imagine I would feel completely lonely without the club.


It's really not that I want to be perfect. You know, skinny and smart and social. But I'm honestly interested in the classes I'm taking. Well, except maybe not history so much, but I think the class will be fun and I couldn't get it during the summer so I have to take it during the school year. And not the language one, that one really is just because I'm worried for college. But other than that, I really like my subjects. Skinny is just because I've always preferred that look. Not because of others. Because of me. Social is something I need to learn to be. Or be able to be. I'm anti social. I'm proud of it. But I can't feel uncomfortable and awkward and shit around others.

Anyways, I've been able to maintain a weight of around 93 lbs in the mornings. I've been eating like 1500-2000 ish calories though, so that's pretty good.

And oh god, I hate myself for this, but I've only started on the summer homework today. I've just been so fucking lazy and procrastinated and yeah. I'm always confident that I'll get through it though. I just hope I won't ruin my health by staying up late to do so.

Back to homework, back to homework now. Gotta write one more article. Plan tomorrow, because it's so fucking fun. And sleep before midnight. Or read, if I can't. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.