The Pigeon Detectives

Leaving for Canada in about 12 hours, just thought I'd leave with a post also.

Today, it may just be my period, but I've been so emotional and easily upset. I cried over stupid things, resurfaced realizations, a continuing cycle of revenge and hurt, being a part of that cycle, and for someone very dear to me.

I had actually started pouring out my feelings and everything in a post I was writing earlier, (I tend to do that a lot), but I just felt it was too personal to post.

Anyways, despite everything, today was not a bad day. I finished my essay, went out to eat for lunch and dinner, and I just didn't really stress. I did get really frustrated with some family members, by that's just something that's characteristic of family.

I didn't care so much about what I ate today, but I had one of those moments where I really felt fat today. I put on some old jeans I haven't worn for a while and just hated how fat I looked. I mean, I know that in reality and bmi-wise, I'm not anywhere near fat or overweight. But I feel like those things don't take height into consideration. Even at a size 1, I look chubby. I feel so discouraged when I think of how low my weight would have to be to actually look skinny.

But screw that shit for now. I'm going to pack, go to bed, and leave this country tomorrow. (literally, as it's 11:57 pm now) I'm going to enjoy myself.

I hope there'll be a cute boy my age on the tour also, haha. Though to be honest, I am pretty awkward around boys and well, just anyone my age, but mostly boys. That reminds me, today I saw not one, but two really hot/cute boyish girls. There's just something really attractive about them. I don't think I'm a lesbian, or at least I can't really imagine myself one, but I've always figured I'm too young to really know that about myself yet.

the kids don't stand a chance

So I've gained a lb or so. I can't force myself to care anymore though. I'm too stressed out with homework. And I binge when I have homework I don't want to do. But it's just tomorrow left and then I'll be off on a plane to Canada and I can forget everything and chill. While doing homework... Yes, I'm bringing my homework with me. I need to get the littler things out of the way and I don't think I would mind doing it so much while on vacation. It's a tour. I have most of it planned out in my head. I'm going to get some chemistry and spanish homework done on the plane ride and every day at night when I get back to the hotel. And during the bus rides, I'm going to read a book.

I dream of being able to read without distractions, without guilt that I should be doing my homework, without any other thoughts. I just want to enjoy reading. Truth be told, I've never been much of a reader, but I do find myself enjoying every single book I read.

I feel like I'm too suffocated with stress. I should be writing my essay right now. Or doing more reading logs. Or working on some history questions. I should be doing something productive. But I'm not. And I can't. It's really just not my nature. I can't stay committed for long intervals. I can't do things when I'm not in the mood to. I just can't.

Or maybe I should stop saying that and say I can instead. But I feel like I'm betraying myself and who I am sometimes when I try to do such things.

This is really just a pointless post and another way for me to procrastinate and avoid writing my essay, but it's better than binging again.

But I've decided. I'm not going to worry about food and my weight and stuff until after vacation. I think it's the best for me right now. I only have one more day before my homework is due, one more day before I leave for vacation, one more day of stressing out and binging. It's just one more day. And then I leave. I'm gone. I will literally take up off the ground and fly into the sky. I will close my eyes and listen to my iPod with my new headphones (which I've realized hurts my ears) on. I will pull down the little table on the seat in front of me, and commit myself to my chemistry homework (which actually soothes and calms me, because it doesn't require the intricate thinking that writing and responding to literature does). I will finish and start my spanish homework and create notecards for extra credit, or even take out my notebook and start sprouting off poetic nonsense. And when I get there, I will go on a car ride to the hotel, in which I will do nothing but look out the window and take in my new surroundings and find beauty in the world around me. The following days will be filled with long bus rides and sight seeing. I will fall in love with the world on this trip. I will read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and fall in love once more with that magical world.

Maybe I might even be able to use that time to lose weight. I'm assuming there will be a lot of walking. But I think there'll also be many buffets that we'll be going to for dinner or something. But I think if I eat little then, I won't be able to continue binging, because then we'll leave and return to the bus or something.

But screw that for now. It's homework time! I feel like I've forgotten how to write essays though. I haven't written one in almost two months. I feel rather hopeless with this, but I will close my eyes and find hope within me. I am independent. If I need hope, I can depend on myself for that and find it in me. Ah, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck, I have to get serious now.

Palindrome

racecar. level. ana. music also. do re mi fa so la ti do. do ti la so fa mi re do. weightloss also. 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 98 97 96 95 94 93 92 91. the palindrome's a fragment of the timeline of one's weight.

palindromes are fascinating to me. I wrote pages about them in my notebook.

I haven't really been counting calories today and yesterday. It's nice not to count calories, but I just know I will later when I get ready for bed. I was 92.8 lbs yesterday and 93.0 today. I'll probably have gained tomorrow, but eh.

It's just I have a deadline to finish my summer homework. I need to do a bunch of reading logs and an essay by Tuesday, and I haven't even started. I have no doubt that I will finish, but it's just I know I need to get started but I don't want to. And so I try to procrastinate. And I do that by eating.

I have a headache.

rats live on no evil star = rats live on no evil star (backwards)

Life is weird.

Yesterday ended in a horrible binge. But I had a good day.

Today is a nice day. Today is lasting forever somewhere in the midst of time.

Tomorrow will be alright, because my phone automatically capitalizes that word. Alright.

Anyways, I'm under 1000 cal today. Ran up and down the stairs 40 times, among some other little exercises. I went to the market on my own today and got 0 cal noodles, miso soup, udon soupbase, and seaweed. I drove in a pressured, nervous, dangerous way. It was fun and exciting. And I enjoyed reading today.

This guy started texting me again. I thought he got the picture weeks ago that I wasn't replying because I am turned off by his texts. Still, I find myself replying. He crosses my mind often, but I have no romantic feelings toward him. I suppose he is a cool guy, but I don't think I can be friends with him. We have a lot in common, but there are greater things that define a person. I do not entirely like his person and his definition is disappointing. I am a cold hearted bitch. I have never had a boyfriend. Boys freak me out. I am not ready for any of their shit. I will be a self centered person because I am not ready to truly care about new people yet. Actually, I guess I just don't want to be tied down. I'm looking for someone who will go on adventures with me. He would, but I would not feel comfortable with him. He is too real. too typical. and not in the good way. I am mean.

By the way, there is no reason that life is weird. I just felt like saying that.

secrets

Last night, I realized I've been keeping secrets from my notebook. So I confessed and told it about this blog.

This morning, I woke up and realized that I have another notebook to plan out my days, what I'm going to eat, weight goals, etc. And that that could actually be found and be physical evidence that I'm trying to lose weight, which would be just as bad as my blog being found. and more likely.

I'm hoping people respect my privacy though. I'm pretty sure everyone I live with (my family) knows that I write in notebooks. I'm just not sure if they've ever looked or read them without my knowing it. It scares me. On the front page of most of them, I've written: "Have some respect. Wait until I'm dead." because it wouldn't matter to me if people read them when I was dead. I hope people read them when I'm dead. I've written messages I don't have the guts or pride to say.

Anyways, I cleaned my room yesterday. It probably took me like 4 hours total. I finished at 1:14 or 1:43 AM or something like that. I felt pretty accomplished. I usually stop halfway, after taking everything out to reorganize, because then it seems too much and I get lazy and go to sleep.

Food wise, I sort of binged. But I weighed 93.6 lbs this morning, same as yesterday morning I think.

Today was pretty good though. woke up late. ate okay, albeit a bit too much at dinnertime. worked out a bit after with my little brother during commercials of this show about this overweight family with diabetes trying to get healthy. read about 100 pages of my book. (only 40 more pages to go to reach my goal for the day. But I'll manage since I'm bound to stay up late).

The scale's weird today. I only weighed 94.6 ish after dinner (it would usually be like 95 or more). And plus, my little brother was 84. After exercising, he was 82. after peeing, he was 80. His weight fluctuates like fuck. In fact, he puts the fuck in fluctuate.

Going to the mall tomorrow, so I'll get in a lot of walking. But I really want a fucking almond pretzel. That shit is like 400 calories though.

I can have it if I'm 92 lbs in the morning.

Oh yeah. Last night I made a fool/full?-proof plan for today. Main thing: I wrote my morning weight on my hand to keep reminding me that I'm not at my goal weight yet. It worked out pretty well. (by dinnertime, it faded) I'll do it again tomorrow. If anyone sees, it's the page I left off on in my book.

I love making up excuses in my head. I'm addicted to thinking about trivial stuff. What I would say in an interview. What I'm going to eat tomorrow. How many calories I've eaten so far. How many pieces of gum I have left. Applesauce. Planes. Trains. Subways. Bananas. Apples. Clementines. Food. Homework. How many pages of notes I should do. Where's my phone?! (Someone better not be scrolling through my secret pictures)

rampage.

Last night, I went on a list-making rampage.

I made a schedule for today and tomorrow. Planned out what I would eat those two days. Made a list of all my summer homework. A diet plan for when school starts again. Goals for the day. Things to do before I leave for vacation. Things to do during vacation. And a calendar for the days before vacation, and what I need to get done each day.

This doesn't even include the alternative plans I made for each.

Oh, and I can't forget the rules I made for the calendar. Or the key to the symbols I had on there.

And while I was trying to sleep, all I could think about were special things I could do with the lists. Like the calendar, I'm going to use a different color pen each day to mark off the tasks that I got done.

It made me so excited for the next few days.

And I realized, this is what I'm addicted to. Making lists and plans and organizing things on paper. And then sabotaging it and myself.

I was a bit sleepy before I started, but I felt wide awake after. And I just kept going.

I almost wanted to make a plan for each day before I leave, but then I remembered that I would inevitably fuck myself over on those days.

I am self-destructive.

I don't know what it is about making lists, dieting, counting calories, etc that I'm so addicted to. The mindlessness of it? How it's a way to pass time? The structure it gives to my life? It's eventual collapse?

x

On another note, my mom is weird. She just made me try on the bras she got me from victoria secret in front of her, cause I said they were too big. She agreed. And then she told me that I have really small boobs. She is right. A 32A is too big for me. I'm not even skinny. I'm flat and fat.

Now, I just realized that if I do lose weight as I want to, and if she ever sees me in a bra again, it will probably be very noticeable. That's kind of bad.

x

note 3: My parents bought a huge pack of condoms from Costco today. I was with them. It was insanely awkward for me. I tried to mind my own business and give them the privacy to hide it from me. I'm not sure if they expected me to not know what it was. Honestly, I am pretty innocent and sheltered in that area, but I'm in high school. I'm bound to encounter condoms sooner or later. Not that I'd use them in high school, but that I'd see them. And the different brands when I go to Target with friends. It's just weird that they'd buy them from Costco, of all places..

x

So today ended up pretty good.

I did more homework than I had planned. Finished my notes, so fuck yeah, bitch. Didn't finish typing up my notes for another subject, but I'll get to that.

I went to costco with my parents and got in over an hour of walking. with breaks because of human and cart-pushing traffic, of course.

I notice now that I'm attracting more attention. I can feel people my age looking at me. Girls judging me. Guys doing whatever the fuck it is they do. It's nice and uncomfortable. I used to kind of want to attract attention, but when I do, I just feel uncomfortable. But I'd rather have that than be unnoticed. Well, at least in the mood I'm currently in right now. Invisibility is nice, but the appeal of it is the ability to control it.

I also walked to the local market (like a block away) with my mom and got in another 30 minutes of walking, albeit slower since I like to browse through all the food.

Intake:
- sandwich with 2 slices of chicken lunchmeat (100)
- 1/2 cup soymilk (my aunt threw away the rest because she thought I was done) (50)
- some broccoli and a few leftover pieces of meat from my parents lunch at a restaurant (I didn't go with them) (150)
- free samples at costco: 2 sample cups of juice, 1 small portion of a fiber one bar, 1 piece of dried fruit, 1 sample cup of yogurt (100)
- apple (50)
- banana (125) over a slice of bread (40) with peanut butter (85) = (250)
- seaweed, 4 with some rice (100)
- a few pieces of fried shrimp, chicken, fish, and oyster (400)
total: 1200 ish

That's what I was planning for today, though.

I also blotted the fried stuff. Like I ate it with a napkin, and used the napkin to absorb some of the oil so that I wouldn't have to eat it. I do that with my pizza also. And anything else oily whenever I can. Does anyone else do that?

Fuck

fuck fuck fuck. I just weighed in at 97.2 a few minutes ago. Two days ago, I was 92.2 lbs. How the fuck did that happen? I mean, I only had 2/3 days that were bad calorie wise.

But honestly, I'm not too worried. I'm pretty sure I'm just bloated and tbh, I haven't had a bowel movement for 2-3 days.

I'm going to exercise now though.

Anyways, today I couldn't go on the scale in the morning. And I also decided not to count calories today. But I ended up binging at night.. But then I went for a 30 minute walk with my parents and I just did some more little exercises and will do some more before I go to bed.

I'm planning to make tomorrow really structured though, sort of. I have a feeling some event will pop up that will make me give in though.

Planning to go jogging with my parents in the morning, and then shopping. Not sure if we're going to go out to eat, but I really just want to stay home and make my own food.

Beats

I forgot to add that the new headphones just makes me want to lose weight and be thinner also. It's just that those girls all into music and with those killer headphones are usually skinny. Or at least the ones you see in commercials in stuff. I never really see them in real life. But anyways, it's just an image I'd like to obtain. Plus, I'm going to go on vacation for a week starting July 28. That means a plane ride, which means I'll be using my new headphones on the plane, so I want to look a bit thinner to go with it, haha.

Oh, and yesterday my brother also brought home some chocolates, which I had three little pieces of but which equates to like 200 calories. Plus, I had more chips and stuff, but it was good. I enjoyed it. Probably was like 2000-2500 cals yesterday,and like 1000 of it was just chips lol. But on the bright side, I didn't have any today, and my little brother finished it all, so I won't even be able to binge and get fat off of that(:

Today's intake:
1:00 pizza: flatbread (100), 1/4 cup tomato sauce (35), 1/7 cup cheese (65), chicken (50) = (250)
3:00 miso soup (30)
4:00 2/3 apple (50)
7:00 miso soup (30), 4 mini wontons (50), 1/5 kamaboko (40), shirtaki noodles (0) = (120)
& one strawberry, some gum and tic tacs (50)
total: 500

But I'm pretty sure it's a little under 500 calories today(:

And I know it's pretty pathetic, but this is probably the less I've ever had in one day.

My parents and brother went out to eat dinner, but I decided not to go with them and make the wonton noodle soup for myself. I was pretty indecisive about it though. I didn't really feel like going to the restaurant they were going to, but I did want to eat with them. Oh well, they'll be plenty of other chances for that, I hope.

Pretty much no exercise today though.

I also couldn't weigh myself this morning, since my brothers were around the scale and it's awkward with them there. I'm not too worried about my weight though.

I feel like I'm wasting time. I'm so lazy and unproductive. It's disappointing, but enjoyable at the same time.

I am in love

with the new headphones my brother just got me from another country! They are amazing. I feel so in love with music again. I can actually just listen to the song, instead of being impatient and distracted. I feel so giddy and happy. I just want to squeal and jump for joy every so often as I listen to my iPod(:

The day's been great. I'm calm and my hearts lighter. I'm not as stressed. I did binge on chips, but I don't even care. I'm happy. Or well, I'm at least really cheerful. It's just ever since I read A Doll's House, I feel like I don't know what happiness is other than an act for me. Cheerful's at least something I can honestly say.

Anyways, tomorrow, or well, today, I guess as it's passed midnight, will be back to schedule, except I'll try to be more chill and do things because I want to, not because I feel I have to because of this insane pressure that I put on myself.

My face hurts.

So after some troubled thinking, a little bit of crying and screaming into my pillow (for the first time), and angry venting with a black pen to my notebook, I decided that I needed to give myself a break. Screw my summer homework. Screw my responsibilities. Screw myself for caring so much about that shit.

I ended up sleeping in and skipping an event I was supposed to go to, lying that I overslept when I simply went back to sleep on purpose.

I still baked some mini brownies and made my friend a birthday card though, despite it stressing me out a bit, just because I felt she deserved it. (The birthday card was stressful because I had to get other people to sign it also)

I did end up eating a bunch of chips at a friends house and an oreo though.

I ended up not doing any homework. But you know what, it's not as dreadful as it was when I felt that I had to do it.

The only bad thing was that I wanted to iron my shorts, but I don't know how to use the thing, so I somehow ended up spilling a bunch of water in my parents room and later got in trouble for it, because I didn't clean it up properly. (I thought it would dry by itself given a few hours since it was water!) And then my father yelled at me for wearing shoes in the house, when they were actually just my black socks. And he wouldn't say sorry!

Anyways, today's intake:
- 2 slices of bread (80)
- 2 slices chicken lunchmeat (35)
- banana (125)
- 1 tsp of peanut butter (35)
- some strawberries (25)
- a bunch of bbq lays and an oreo (500?)
- a mini brownie (100)
- part of an individual sponge cake (100?)
- rice and asian meat (500?)
yeah, about 1500. eh. I wasn't worrying about what I was eating that much today, though, and I didn't have an eating plan like I normally do. I just kind of figured I would do and eat what I wanted today. No exercise, really.

Also, I weighed 92.2 today! (finally got back to the 92's yesterday at 92.8)

orange tic tacs

Today's intake:
- pizza: flatbread (100), 1/4 cup tomato sauce (35), 1/4 cup cheese (80), chicken (85)
- small green apple (80)
- cereal (120)
- rice (100)
- soup (100)
- fish (300)
- an asian candy, gum, tic tacs, strawberries, condensed milk, frosting etc (150)
- 5 bbq ruffles (75)
total: about 1225

& Some minor exercise in the morning.

Jupiter: The Bringer of Jolity

It's a musical composition by Gustav Holst. He did one for every planet. He is a genius. Seriously. He didn't do one for Pluto, because it wasn't discovered yet at his time or he was too lazy to or something, but then it turns out that Pluto isn't even really a planet. It's a dwarf planet or something, that we have a bunch of in the universe, so it doesn't count anymore lol.

Anyways, it's not really the whole song that I like, just this really uplifting middle part of it. (3:00-5:00 ish)

There's also this recreation of it with lyrics added in Japanese, by Hirahara Ayaka. I really like it. There's also a video of the same song, but with this amazing pianist with only 4 fingers--2 on each hand.

It's just, I find the song so very moving.I hope you all like it.

One mole (6.022 x 10^23) of seconds is 4 million times as long as Earth has already existed!

Last night, I stayed up until 2 am, despite the fact that I was in bed at 10. I was writing in my notebook and planning the next day, and then I started thinking about what I was going to eat and I got so excited, I guess, that I couldn't go to sleep. I thought of a new meal to make for myself that was low calorie! What was it, you ask?

wonton noodle soup: 4 mini wontons (50 cal), miso soup packet (30 cal), and shirataki noodles (0 cal) = 80 cal and really filling.

And then I just got all these other ideas, like I could add broccoli or kamaboko (this asian fish cake thing I have at home that I need to get rid of). By then, I was so awake that I couldn't sleep, so I ended up using the computer since I couldn't concentrate on reading.

Anyways, today's intake:
- 2 slices of double fiber bread (140)
- 2 tsp peanut butter (65)
- 1 tsp hummus (10)
- 3 slices of chicken lunchmeat (45)
- 1 tsp honey (20)
- one cup almond milk (40)
- miso soup (30)
- 5 mini wontons (65)
- 1/6 kamaboko (30)
- shirataki noodles (0)
- 3 asian candies (50)
- chinese/taiwanese? sausage (200)
- some veggie soup w/ a piece of meat (100)
- 1 slice (about 1/6) of this frozen thin crust chicken alfredo pizza (200?)
- 2 pieces of gum (5)
total: 1000 (I didn't even try to round it so nicely! but it's a bit less since I threw away part of my sandwich.)

As for exercise, I got rather lazy today that I didn't even do the amount the notes I had wanted to finish today. But in my defense, I went to visit my cousin down the street who just came back from vacation. I did do some stretching and minor exercising in the morning though.

Also, after I ate my sandwich I got a tummy ache. My tummy aches are weird though. It always hurts like right above my tummy, in the area between my rib cage and below my chest bone, I think? And I have this weird thing where my tummy aches and back aches are connected, so when one hurts, the other starts to hurt too. Sometimes it gets really bad, and can last for like 3 days, but today it was gone within a few hours. I think today's one was caused by my not eating right after I wake up like I normally do.

Anyways, I also went to the market today and got some stuff. Getting food always makes me excited. Like this bread I found today! 2 slices = 80 cal, 0 fat cals, and 7 grams of fiber! (I'm trying to increase my fiber intake and the other 40 cal breads only had 4 grams in two slices) I almost didn't get it too; I just kind of saw it as I was leaving.

Sorry, I always tend to get too wordy and start rambling whenever I do my posts, but at the same time, it's kind of fun!

Calories.

I don't know if it's just the United States, but I hate how the food labels here are always rounded. The calories are almost always multiples of 10 (sometimes 5, but then for 1 slice of bread it will say 70 and right above it it'll say 150 for two slices). The masses of certain things and percentages are also rounded. It's annoying. Why can't they be like Asian countries and give exact measurements? I'd rather know that it's like 27.7 kcal than 30 cals or 1.3 g instead of 1g. I don't know why they have to do that. I mean, I think consumers can handle the truth. And I hate how they have to give new labels for imported foods. For instance, yesterday I got miso soup. The package came with five different flavors. The nutrition label said that 1 pack was 30 cals. But it was a sticker that covered the actual caloric values of each (which ranged from 27.3 to 28.7 or something like that).

Anyways, I know it's not a big deal, but it's just annoying.

So today:
12:00 yoplait light strawberry yogurt (100), some kashi (25), part of a flatbread (30), part of a pastry (45) a thin slice of poundcake (100), green tea (0)
2:30 1/2 a chicken sandwich (100), an orange (100), green tea (0)
4:30 campbell's chicken noodle soup at hand (80)
5:30 really small serving of lasagna (120)
7:00 rice (150), piece of asian candy (50), some miso soup (30), two chicken wings (400), 2/3 a strip of korean short rib (200), thin slice of poundcake (100), some shrimp crackers (120)
total: 1750

Yeah, kind of bad. But when I was counting it in my head, i thought it was about 1500. Hopefully, I'm overestimating the chicken wings and short ribs. I hate not knowing how many calories something actually is.

weighed 93.0 lbs again this morning.

I'm determined to make tomorrow a productive, low calorie day.

I've never been on an actual train before

Yesterday:
12:00 Lean Cuisine meal (300)
3:00 chicken sandwich (200)
6:00 hot pot: mostly vegies, an egg white, some pieces of chicken, and small serving of vermicelli and rice (500?)
8:30 vanilla ice cream sundae with chocolate fudge and bits of nut (500?)
total: like 1500.

Not horrible considering I went out to eat for the hot pot and ice cream with family, so yeah..

Today:
1:00 Thai food: 1/2 my Pad Se Ew; some pieces of chicken; thai tea (700?)
6:30 leftover hot pot with some shirataki noodles (500?)
and three pieces of this chinese new year candy (100?) and pieces of fish cake (100?)
total: 1400 ish

Not that bad, I guess.

This morning I weighed 93.0lbs. A big improvement from two days ago, when I weighed fucking 95.0 lbs in the morning.

I also went shopping with my mom for a bit, and then to this Japanese market where I bought 4 packs of shirtaki noodles and finally found some instant miso soup (30 cals per cup, but it comes with toppings like tofu, green onion, spinich, bean curd, and something else).

I think I'm finally getting back on track, a bit. I had planned to eat like 1000 calories a day, but decided to make it 1500 if I went out to eat.

Going on vacation on July 28. Hopefully I can reach 90.0 lbs by then, but if not, at least get back to 91/92 ish.

I should really start exercising more..

art

I've written four posts now that I couldn't bring myself to publish. I felt three were too personal and one too boring.

I guess I wanted this blog to be interesting yet detached.

Now that I've said that, I am reminded about The Picture of Dorian Gray. In the prologue, Oscar Wilde wrote: "To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's aim." Of course, this is impossible, and the artist himself was a hypocrite, who showed too much of himself in his own writing. I didn't think much of the quote at first, but I guess you could say, I am an artist and this blog is art. By creating art, I have already poured too much of myself in it, hence our names, as an artist gives its A-R-T to create art. Therefore, I refuse to put too much more.

Emma Watson's initials are EW

But she's one of my favorites, just because she was in Harry Potter and has a British accent. Plus, I really like her hair.

So yesterday I kind of messed up.. ate like 2000 calories. It was the ice cream. the Drumstick fun flavor by Dreyers. They have chocolate covered peanuts and chocolaty swirls blended in vanilla ice cream, and it tastes absolutely blissful to me.

But today was pretty good(: I had two sandwiches (350) before dinner. A serving of rice with broccoli soup, and about half a pork chop, then a serving of fried rice, probably totaling about 700. I've already brushed my teeth and put in my retainers and it's only 8pm right now, but I think I might have some strawberries and a cup of almond milk later because I need the vitamin C and calcium.

Only exercise today was some stretching and about 3 minutes of jumping rope, lol.

My parents often go out to walk after dinner, but I never go with them. I don't know why, but I find it weird. I'm not really close to my parents but we are on good terms mostly. Maybe I'll start going with them this week...

Goal for the week:
- stay under 700 cal before dinner
- under 1500 cal each day
- get back to 92 ish lbs in the mornings by the end of the week
- do some sort of exercise/stretching every other morning

I know my intakes probably a lot to most of you, but I shouldn't gain weight at least. And I'm not trying to lose weight fast, but take it slowly. Besides, I'm on my period this week. I don't know if its true, but I heard that you don't really gain weight when you're on it, despite how much you eat (unless you like super binge of course). I sometimes make this week the most restricted since I usually don't get too hungry, but it seems like thinking about it jinxes it and makes me hungry.

Goals:
- dip under 90 lbs in the morning by the end of summer
- under 88 lbs by the end of the year
- under 85 lbs by the end of next summer

It sounds a lot more doable with these increments.

And by the way, I really don't like hummus at all. I got the original one on Sunday, and tried it as soon as I got home. I still need to finish it though, so that my parents won't get mad at me.

And thanks to the two people who are now following my blog(: It made me quite excited to see I had followers, haha.

I have bananas at home now

So I've already messed up today. My parents have the day off. My dad brought home donuts. My mom's making my absolute favorite food: bun rieu (this vietnamese noodle soup). I think my grandma gave us roast suckling pig too. So far I've had about half a cream cheese croissant, a piece of the pig, and a cup of green tea. And it didn't even really fill me up, but I'm not hungry right now, thank goodness. So I think that's about 300 calories so far.

My goal this week is to just stay under 700 calories before dinner, meaning my daily intakes should add up to be about 1200. With some exercise, I could lose a lb or so.

I have this horrible habit though. When I mess up my plan, I just want to screw myself over even more. I go, "screw this," and let the day go completely awry, because I don't care; I've already messed up, and so I let myself binge and not think twice about it. If it didn't work the opposite way too, as in when I do good I do really good, I would be so screwed, haha. But today, I really don't want to do that. I'll make things work. Messing up a little is like losing a battle. But I can still win the war.

Or actually, tennis is a better metaphor. One small slip up may lose me a game. But if I let it get the best of me, I may lose the set, the match, the championship. Tennis players have to remain calm and keep their minds clear. They can't let their emotions get the best of them, like Zvonareva did. No. You need to overcome that slip up. Let it go. Continue to fight. Keep your mind set on the goal. Even if you don't win, it's a lot more honorable to lose the set 6-7 than 1-6.

I need to keep this in mind.

So, I will eat an apple (80), 2 cups of broccoli (80), and a sandwich with chicken lunchmeat using 70 cal double fiber bread (175), and maybe a boiled egg white (20) for the protein. This will give me a total of 655 before dinner. But for dinner, I know I will eat a whole lot, since it's my absolute favorite (the bun rieu). Honestly, I like it so much, I can't even feel guilty about it. Good thing my mom doesn't make it often. Only maybe three times a year.

Oh, btw, I'm trying to get more fiber in my diet, hence the double fiber bread. Normally I eat this delicious 45 cal one, but I need more fiber.

And yes, this post was just so that I could verbally remind myself to stay on track. Which reminds me, I really need to write an essay I should have started an hour and a half ago..

The Skinny I Want to Achieve

- thighs that don't touch
- nice leg gap
- arms that curve in or at least goes straight down
- flat stomach
- visible xylophone
- visible rib bones
- visible hip bones
- fit a size 0 comfortably

I feel like there's more, but that's all I can think of right now. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'll be able to achieve all this with my goal weight. My thighs have always touched. It's not that it's my bone structure, but that I've always had fat there. I feel I can achieve the visible bones as they're already starting to show. The rest I could probably achieve also, but it would require more work and exercise, probably. But I'm not really good with that ):

applesauce

Ate quite a bit, but fuck it, it's independence day.

probably around 1800 cal, I'm thinking.
- ice cream (500)
- flatout bread w/ a ramdom stuff (200)
- noodles w/ mini wontons and egg white (350)
- rice cracker (25)
- popcorn (100)
- 1/2 cup kashi (70)
- pistachios (100)
- a whole packet of gum (80)
- dinner: pizza, macaroni, chicken, korean short rib (800)
total: 2225. well, gee, fuck.

Not much exercise either. I felt so lazy today. But I did go to the park in the morning and played around for like half an hour. I love being a kid.

I hate not knowing exactly how many calories are in the things I eat now.

Tomorrow I will eat things whose calorie content is within my knowledge and grasp.

Sunday: New Week, New Blog.

Okay, so this is a new blog. I just suddenly got a bit paranoid that people I know in real life may realize my old blog was me, since I also had a personal blog using the same account, and I just can't bear to delete either one.

Anyways, here are my stats:
Age: 16
Height: 4'11.5 (151 cm)
HW: 103 lbs (46.7 kg)
SW: 98 lbs (44.5 kg)
CW: 94 lbs (42.6 kg)
LW: 91.2 lbs ( 41.4 kg)
GW: 85 lbs

I don't really know my measurements, because I don't really have anything to measure with or even know how to.

This past week was pretty bad for me, diet wise. I had 2 days of eating 1400-1500 cal and the rest was like 2000-2300. I had promised myself I wouldn't go on the scale for the week, because I felt I may have been getting too obsessed with it, but it just makes me go so off track. I gained two lbs. Well, actually, I just checked my old blog. I actually gained only 1.2 lbs in that week (ended yesterday). But well, in one and a half weeks, I went from being 91.2 lbs in the morning to 94.2 lbs, so you can see what I mean.

Normally, I would feel completely horrible and disgusted, but the week was actually pretty good and I mostly enjoyed myself. There were a lot of big events that called for eating also. I mean, I want to lose weight, but I don't want to forget that I'd like to be able to live it up and not worry when I actually do reach my goal weight. So I ate. There was my mom's birthday, a dinner when my parents got back from vacation, an independence day bbq, a huge club banquet and all you can eat korean bbq, and also just the spontaneous someone-just-bought-me-food-and-now-i-have-to-eat-it moments. There were also a lot of moments I really didn't have to and shouldn't have eaten yet did so anyway, but still, I'm not upset. It feels like it's not going to be too hard to lose the weight again.

I've had fun, but now I need to get back on track.

This morning, despite the bbq yesterday, I lost weight and weighed in at 93.6 lbs.

I'm looking forward to following new blogs and blogging more myself. I'll try not to get too wordy and listy and pointless with this blog, but actually write stuff that shows more of who I am instead of just focusing on this weightloss stuff and maybe even something people might enjoy reading.