rampage.

Last night, I went on a list-making rampage.

I made a schedule for today and tomorrow. Planned out what I would eat those two days. Made a list of all my summer homework. A diet plan for when school starts again. Goals for the day. Things to do before I leave for vacation. Things to do during vacation. And a calendar for the days before vacation, and what I need to get done each day.

This doesn't even include the alternative plans I made for each.

Oh, and I can't forget the rules I made for the calendar. Or the key to the symbols I had on there.

And while I was trying to sleep, all I could think about were special things I could do with the lists. Like the calendar, I'm going to use a different color pen each day to mark off the tasks that I got done.

It made me so excited for the next few days.

And I realized, this is what I'm addicted to. Making lists and plans and organizing things on paper. And then sabotaging it and myself.

I was a bit sleepy before I started, but I felt wide awake after. And I just kept going.

I almost wanted to make a plan for each day before I leave, but then I remembered that I would inevitably fuck myself over on those days.

I am self-destructive.

I don't know what it is about making lists, dieting, counting calories, etc that I'm so addicted to. The mindlessness of it? How it's a way to pass time? The structure it gives to my life? It's eventual collapse?

x

On another note, my mom is weird. She just made me try on the bras she got me from victoria secret in front of her, cause I said they were too big. She agreed. And then she told me that I have really small boobs. She is right. A 32A is too big for me. I'm not even skinny. I'm flat and fat.

Now, I just realized that if I do lose weight as I want to, and if she ever sees me in a bra again, it will probably be very noticeable. That's kind of bad.

x

note 3: My parents bought a huge pack of condoms from Costco today. I was with them. It was insanely awkward for me. I tried to mind my own business and give them the privacy to hide it from me. I'm not sure if they expected me to not know what it was. Honestly, I am pretty innocent and sheltered in that area, but I'm in high school. I'm bound to encounter condoms sooner or later. Not that I'd use them in high school, but that I'd see them. And the different brands when I go to Target with friends. It's just weird that they'd buy them from Costco, of all places..

x

So today ended up pretty good.

I did more homework than I had planned. Finished my notes, so fuck yeah, bitch. Didn't finish typing up my notes for another subject, but I'll get to that.

I went to costco with my parents and got in over an hour of walking. with breaks because of human and cart-pushing traffic, of course.

I notice now that I'm attracting more attention. I can feel people my age looking at me. Girls judging me. Guys doing whatever the fuck it is they do. It's nice and uncomfortable. I used to kind of want to attract attention, but when I do, I just feel uncomfortable. But I'd rather have that than be unnoticed. Well, at least in the mood I'm currently in right now. Invisibility is nice, but the appeal of it is the ability to control it.

I also walked to the local market (like a block away) with my mom and got in another 30 minutes of walking, albeit slower since I like to browse through all the food.

Intake:
- sandwich with 2 slices of chicken lunchmeat (100)
- 1/2 cup soymilk (my aunt threw away the rest because she thought I was done) (50)
- some broccoli and a few leftover pieces of meat from my parents lunch at a restaurant (I didn't go with them) (150)
- free samples at costco: 2 sample cups of juice, 1 small portion of a fiber one bar, 1 piece of dried fruit, 1 sample cup of yogurt (100)
- apple (50)
- banana (125) over a slice of bread (40) with peanut butter (85) = (250)
- seaweed, 4 with some rice (100)
- a few pieces of fried shrimp, chicken, fish, and oyster (400)
total: 1200 ish

That's what I was planning for today, though.

I also blotted the fried stuff. Like I ate it with a napkin, and used the napkin to absorb some of the oil so that I wouldn't have to eat it. I do that with my pizza also. And anything else oily whenever I can. Does anyone else do that?