So I've gained a lb or so. I can't force myself to care anymore though. I'm too stressed out with homework. And I binge when I have homework I don't want to do. But it's just tomorrow left and then I'll be off on a plane to Canada and I can forget everything and chill. While doing homework... Yes, I'm bringing my homework with me. I need to get the littler things out of the way and I don't think I would mind doing it so much while on vacation. It's a tour. I have most of it planned out in my head. I'm going to get some chemistry and spanish homework done on the plane ride and every day at night when I get back to the hotel. And during the bus rides, I'm going to read a book.
I dream of being able to read without distractions, without guilt that I should be doing my homework, without any other thoughts. I just want to enjoy reading. Truth be told, I've never been much of a reader, but I do find myself enjoying every single book I read.
I feel like I'm too suffocated with stress. I should be writing my essay right now. Or doing more reading logs. Or working on some history questions. I should be doing something productive. But I'm not. And I can't. It's really just not my nature. I can't stay committed for long intervals. I can't do things when I'm not in the mood to. I just can't.
Or maybe I should stop saying that and say I can instead. But I feel like I'm betraying myself and who I am sometimes when I try to do such things.
This is really just a pointless post and another way for me to procrastinate and avoid writing my essay, but it's better than binging again.
But I've decided. I'm not going to worry about food and my weight and stuff until after vacation. I think it's the best for me right now. I only have one more day before my homework is due, one more day before I leave for vacation, one more day of stressing out and binging. It's just one more day. And then I leave. I'm gone. I will literally take up off the ground and fly into the sky. I will close my eyes and listen to my iPod with my new headphones (which I've realized hurts my ears) on. I will pull down the little table on the seat in front of me, and commit myself to my chemistry homework (which actually soothes and calms me, because it doesn't require the intricate thinking that writing and responding to literature does). I will finish and start my spanish homework and create notecards for extra credit, or even take out my notebook and start sprouting off poetic nonsense. And when I get there, I will go on a car ride to the hotel, in which I will do nothing but look out the window and take in my new surroundings and find beauty in the world around me. The following days will be filled with long bus rides and sight seeing. I will fall in love with the world on this trip. I will read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and fall in love once more with that magical world.
Maybe I might even be able to use that time to lose weight. I'm assuming there will be a lot of walking. But I think there'll also be many buffets that we'll be going to for dinner or something. But I think if I eat little then, I won't be able to continue binging, because then we'll leave and return to the bus or something.
But screw that for now. It's homework time! I feel like I've forgotten how to write essays though. I haven't written one in almost two months. I feel rather hopeless with this, but I will close my eyes and find hope within me. I am independent. If I need hope, I can depend on myself for that and find it in me. Ah, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck, I have to get serious now.
Good luck with your homework! Ah I love Harry Potter too, I let myself believe that, that world is really out there. Why shouldn't it be?
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your holiday.
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