secrets

Last night, I realized I've been keeping secrets from my notebook. So I confessed and told it about this blog.

This morning, I woke up and realized that I have another notebook to plan out my days, what I'm going to eat, weight goals, etc. And that that could actually be found and be physical evidence that I'm trying to lose weight, which would be just as bad as my blog being found. and more likely.

I'm hoping people respect my privacy though. I'm pretty sure everyone I live with (my family) knows that I write in notebooks. I'm just not sure if they've ever looked or read them without my knowing it. It scares me. On the front page of most of them, I've written: "Have some respect. Wait until I'm dead." because it wouldn't matter to me if people read them when I was dead. I hope people read them when I'm dead. I've written messages I don't have the guts or pride to say.

Anyways, I cleaned my room yesterday. It probably took me like 4 hours total. I finished at 1:14 or 1:43 AM or something like that. I felt pretty accomplished. I usually stop halfway, after taking everything out to reorganize, because then it seems too much and I get lazy and go to sleep.

Food wise, I sort of binged. But I weighed 93.6 lbs this morning, same as yesterday morning I think.

Today was pretty good though. woke up late. ate okay, albeit a bit too much at dinnertime. worked out a bit after with my little brother during commercials of this show about this overweight family with diabetes trying to get healthy. read about 100 pages of my book. (only 40 more pages to go to reach my goal for the day. But I'll manage since I'm bound to stay up late).

The scale's weird today. I only weighed 94.6 ish after dinner (it would usually be like 95 or more). And plus, my little brother was 84. After exercising, he was 82. after peeing, he was 80. His weight fluctuates like fuck. In fact, he puts the fuck in fluctuate.

Going to the mall tomorrow, so I'll get in a lot of walking. But I really want a fucking almond pretzel. That shit is like 400 calories though.

I can have it if I'm 92 lbs in the morning.

Oh yeah. Last night I made a fool/full?-proof plan for today. Main thing: I wrote my morning weight on my hand to keep reminding me that I'm not at my goal weight yet. It worked out pretty well. (by dinnertime, it faded) I'll do it again tomorrow. If anyone sees, it's the page I left off on in my book.

I love making up excuses in my head. I'm addicted to thinking about trivial stuff. What I would say in an interview. What I'm going to eat tomorrow. How many calories I've eaten so far. How many pieces of gum I have left. Applesauce. Planes. Trains. Subways. Bananas. Apples. Clementines. Food. Homework. How many pages of notes I should do. Where's my phone?! (Someone better not be scrolling through my secret pictures)