I have a fucking B in physics and ap us history. Not good.

I'm sure I can raise my physics grades, since the teacher forgot to count the curve. Plus, I pwned the second test he hasn't graded yet.

But Apush. I don't know ): I dind't turn in a project online, and that got my grade down 50%, and apparently that's like a 9% drop in my total grade. But other projects shouldve balanced it out. But I'm not sure if she's graded them yet. I need to talk to her tomorrow. Been fucking acing my tests. What the fuck is this?

Sorry, I'm usually not that much of a cusser, but I'm so sad ): I haven't gotten a B since sixth grade.

I've decided that I'm not going to worry about my weight and dieting for the next week, and just focus on my studies and finals. I have physics, calc and english finals next week. then winter break. then the rest of my finals.

I need to be more antisocial and nerdy, I swear.

Tomorrow I have the club mtg and social event. Hopefully I can go shoppping for christmas presents after. If not then sat. Gosh so much ):

Christmas stuff is gonna take a while too ):

this weekend I'll have:

-two chs of notes

-physics practice problems

-calc hw

I don't even want to think. Back to notes.

I just feel like making a major list. So here goes:

Tomorrow:

- fettuccine smart choice meal (250) with green tea and maybe coffee

- sandwich with 4 turkey slices (170)

- broccoli or an apple after school (80)

- whatever's for dinner (500)

reminders:

- retainers in!

- dancing's fun

- be productive

- water!

schedule:

6 wake

8-3 school

chem at lunch

3-4 physics tutoring

4-5 home; snack; nap?

5-6 club mtg

6 shower

7 dinner

7:30 math homework, and whatever else

*no computer until all homework not needing the comp is done

then practice some physics problems

I'm staying up today to get some shit done. I need to study for chem. Or maybe I'll skip it and rely on lunchtime. I need to reread some journalism articles (as fucking editor-in-chief, you know). And get some history notes done, because I'm tired of feeling ashamed of myself and screwed when I copy my brother's old notes.

I'll stay up till one by force. And after that, it's up to my mood. I wish I had more time to read, but meh.

Life's gonna be busy ):

- english, calc, and physics finals next week

- club mtg tomorrow

- tutoring at the elem school on thursday

- club mtg on friday, and social event after

- shopping for presents on saturday and putting them together or maybe Friday, if possible

- shitload of homework and studying on sunday

- two chapters of notes this weekend

- physics tutoring everyday after school

But at least, there shouldn't be any more major writing assignments. They're the worst for me. They make me want to eat. So thank god for in class essays.

I feel like I'm forgetting some important things ):

What are you supposed to get a guy that's under five dollars, whose favorite color is blue, doesn't want school stuff, and might like sweets (though I'm already planning to bake him cookies)? (This is for secret santa at school, and he's a really nice guy)

My life's been going pretty good, I guess. Weight's still the same. Even though I've allowed myself to eat a bit more lately, I haven't really gained. Been too stressed with school I guess

There's several new guys. I've been talking to one of them on facebook for a month now. We met on Halloween. He's a friend of a friend of a friend. I was dressed up as a slutty ladybug (completely out of character for me, but I wanted to dress up and didn't have a costume so i borrowed a friend's) and he blatantly checked me out. But our convos are boring, and I'm not really interested. Even if he is apparently super rich. We just don't click. I enjoy the convos sometimes but meh. I thin

Second guy was from this social thing my club had with this guy club. He started talking to me. And he sat with me when we watched the movies. And somehow he ended up super close, that our arms were touching, and apparently he was leaning on me, but I didn't really notice. My friends kept teasing me after. Sent me texts telling me to "get some" but I do n't know about him. He's a cool guy, maybe he'd be a good friend. Apparently he doesn't usually approach girls. And he's thinks I'm really shy. meh.

All I want to do is talk to that guy from the last club social, who I talked to about books and held hands with for that game. But we've had no contact since.

And I keep wanting to see this cute guy in my chemistry class more, but i don't know ):

Oh, and there was another guy in between. At this other club social. He added me on facebook beforehand because we had breifly met after this meeting and I didn't talk much at all. He swore he'd talk to me, and he did. And he was scared he was too creepy on facebook, haha. It was the day before harry potter 7 came out, and he quickly realized that harry potter was the best way to get me to talk. And he was sort of flirting, I think, saying that I should ditch my friend and go watch part one with him, haha. We talked a bit on facebook, but that stopped to. Never really serious anyways.

Gosh, I'm becoming such a slut.

yeah, I just don't want to do homework...

reminder

I just feel like I have to remind myself of some things.

1. I'm doing this for myself.

2. Weightloss doesn't have to be miserable. It can be like a fun math problem that I carry out like a scientific experiment.

3. I'm pretty sure I still have miso soup.

4. I have a fucking exercise bike in my room. Use it.

5. Thin legs look nice.

6. Skinny nerds are cool.

7. Sitting up straight increases my metabolic rate by like 10 or 15 % I believe?

8. Retainers. Straight teeth retain me from retaining weight.

9. I can take things slowly.

10. Sandwiches are good when they're only about 125 cal each.

11. Hipsters like to dance.

12. Harry Potter comes out this Friday. I should look good for Ron. Okay, more like Draco so that I can slytherin his bed.

13. Co-editors need to go up in front of the room to write stuff on the board. They should have a nice ass and thin legs to show off.

14. Broccoli is good.

15. Remind mum to buy more gummy vitamins.

16. Focus on dieting on the weekdays. Have fun on Fridays when I'm out for club meetings and on the weekends when my big brother comes home from college an we go out to eat.

17. I'm turning 17 at the end of this year.

*And just an update: I talked to the editor about my job today and asked if I could be co-editor instead. I had told my brother about all the journalism stuff earlier and he made me completely regret my decision. Stuff about how "editor-in-chief" looks super awesome on college resumes and having it for two years is even better. And how I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life, especially if I didn't get into a college, and what if I had "editor-in-chief" on my application? And how I shouldn't underestimate myself or be scared of the work or be too nice or spare the editor's feelings, but instead take my own initiatives. The editor was all nice about it, but I still feel like a bitch. A liberated bitch, but a bitch nonetheless.

ps. Any ideas for topics to write about in the January issue? Perspectives and editorials, in particular?

4 days

Starting tomorrow, I've got a 4 day weekend. Let's see if I can lose 4 lbs in 4 days.

Current weight (at night): 96.2 lbs

I'm hoping that by Sunday or Monday, I'll be 92 in the mornings again.

delightful day

I just had one of the most amazing days ever.

I had meant to make the post a lot shorter, but well, I'm feeling rather excited and gregarious and talkative.

In short:

• promoted to editorial assistant in journalism/the school newspaper staff!
• had a good lunch period doing chemistry with a cute boy
• found out I got the highest grade on the last ap chem test
• got sushi after school
• hung out with my little sister in the club
• finally got an ad for the newspaper (part of our grade and I spent an hour trying to find one yesterday)
• had a social thing with another club, where I actually talked and wasn't reclusive
• met a guy who I sort of like now. We had a conversation about books. That makes him pretty cool in my book. And he makes me feel kind of liked, because he kept talking to me, and only me, out of the 8 or so other girls that were there.
• watched jeopardy

In detail (topics are bolded for your convenience):

The sky was a beautifully clear blue this morning.

In journalism, the advisor finally talked to the editor-in-chief about making me co-editor. (Last month, I got stuck with the most crappiest of staff jobs that involves pretty much putting together our mail.) The advisor had told me about the prospect last week to ask if I was okay with it. (Of course I was.) She also told me then that I was the only one on staff she felt understood all 4 types of articles that we write on the newspaper and that I had actually been her first choice for editor-in-chief. Although I was a bit mad that I didn't get it and more mad at myself for not putting it on my lists of jobs I wanted, the knowledge of knowing that I was first choice eclipses it. However, the advisor then presented two options: 1) I become co-editor-in-chief, splitting the responsibilities with the editor and 2) I become the editorial assistant, basically just assisting the editor. She said it was up to me, as the editor was so "open minded." But of course, that just puts me in a most awkward situation. It was also obvious the editor didn't really want to share the job and title. Eventually, I told her (the editor) that I thought she should pick what my job was because it was originally her job and I didn't want to feel like I was intruding on it. She quickly chose for me to be the assistant, claiming that it was be best since she could get a view on all the articles and ask for my help as needed. Although I had wanted to be co-editor more, it really doesn't even matter. It's just a title and I still have next year to be editor-in-chief. I get the feeling she's going to give me all the crappy and extensive jobs that involve the reorganization of an article...

Lunch was also fun for me. I spent it in the physics room doing chemistry since the chem teacher had a meeting. I talked to these two guys more, and it was nice. I happen to think one of them is rather cute. Although his appearance is cute, his personality is really cuter. Plus, he's pretty smart in the sciences. I love nerds.

And guess who got the highest grade on the last test in AP Chemistry? Not to brag, but, well, that's me. Although it's a rather crappy high score (an 88%), just me having the highest score feels amazing. I was actually pretty nervous as she called each person up individually to tell us our grades (since she hasn't set the curve yet). Not relevant, but the teacher had initially called out one boy for having scored the highest grade, only to retract it when his name came up. I thought that was pretty sucky for him. She also announced that she found the high scorer when she got to mine, which makes me feel rather uncomfortable.

After school, I got sushi with some friends at a sushi truck. Then went with my club sister to get a newspaper ad contract signed. It was nice just to hang out with some friends. I've been too loner like the past two years. Not that it was the first time in two years that I went out, but, well, you know.

We also had a sort of club social with another (boy) club today. It was fun. At the introduction circle, some guy gave me half of his piece of gum. And I sparked some conversation when it got to my introduction and I announced that "I like boys who like Harry Potter" (we had to state what we liked about the opposite sex).

We then made cracker sandwiches with nutella and played some games. One of them involved holding hands in a line, and well, the guys on both sides of me whose hands I held were pretty cool. They actually remembered my name, which is rare for such events, since they're only announced at the intro circles. Anyways, we talked about Harry Potter for a bit. Another guy gave me a high five for being a "Harry Potter lover" haha(:

Another game was ninja, which is basically standing around in a circle with your arms in a ninja pose and trying to hit someone's hand to get them out. Three guys ganged up on me, but since the circle was pretty big and it took a while for it to get to our turn, we talked quite a bit.

And I kept talking to one of the guys after we both got out. We started talking about books. And it was awkward, but nice. And gosh, I kind of like him. We were together for all but one game (out of four). And it was just nice. We would look at each other, and he would start talking to me, and it would feel like he wanted to talk to me. And we would both move towards each other when another game started so that we could hang out and talk. And it was just pretty natural.

During the game, when the three guys ganged up on me, I started talking to another one of the guys about Harry Potter, and he interrupted our conversation and I started talking to him and forgot about the other guy (not in an abrupt and mean way though). And I don't know, it's sort of nice because it shows that he wants to talk to me. And I guess I should clarify that he didn't rudely interrupt the conversation. He just sort of made a comment that took away my attention.

And gosh, now I'm just gushing, but there was also a moment where he asked raise your hand if your head's cold, and I raised my hand cause I thought he meant hands, not head, and my hands were cold, and he put this hat on me. And it was a cute moment. He put it on badly at first, and I told him he sucked at putting on hats, so he tried again, and even went behind me to get it on right. It only messed up my hair and caused his friends to laugh though. I took it off and tried to put it on him, but since I'm pretty short, I pretty much failed. Still, cute ass moment. Did I mention that he was one of the guys who's hands I held in that game? Well, he was (: But in truth, it was rather weird at first cause we were pretty much strangers. And it was right after the intro circle and nutella sandwiches so we hadn't talked much yet. We only talked after the sandwiches when we got put into groups for the game, and I sat on the rail next to him, and we looked at each other for a moment. (I try not to look away when I meet eyes with people now.) I forgot how exactly it went, but we introduced ourselves to each other again, and said the "nice to meet you"'s. I then asked for his name again when we held hands for the game, cause I wasn't really listening the first time, and yeah. I really don't know why I feel like telling you all of this, but I do.

Also, even though there were like 8 other girls there, he really only talked to me. In all the games, we were next to each other. And after the ninja game, when we were talking about books, some of the girls even started talking to him and taking pictures with him, but he would just kind of politely, but quickly get away and return to talking to me. He said "Sorry about your friends..." afterwards, haha. And when they were taking pictures in front of me, after, because my friends are camera whores and asked him for a picture, he was looking at me during it. And I was the only one he said a formal bye to. Ahhh, (:

Anyways, he seems kind of shy, too, which I really like. However, at the same time, it makes the prospects of us talking again pretty limited. He hasn't even added me on facebook ): But when he left, he said that he hopes we meet again so that we can finish our conversation about books (Tuesdays with Morrie and J.D. Salinger). I hope we have another thing with his club. I want to see him again.

And there was another pretty cool guy there, but our convos were fewer. He did remember my name and that I liked Harry Potter though.

So yeah, I'm just feeling pretty happy today(: My day kind of fell after I got home though, because I overthought some things and analyzed my good day when I wasn't supposed to and because that guy never added me on facebook (not that he said he would, but it's like custom these days, haha). But yeah, still a wonderful day. Now, I must do my math homework and article revisions because I procrastinated too much earlier. It's all good though. I don't have school this Thursday and Friday, so tonight's going to be the last night I lack serious sleep for the rest of the week!

School is hard. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I found out my history teacher likes to screw people over; she screwed up the grading scale last year so that only 5/60+ students got A's.

AP calc AB is hard. I don't know why, but I'm having trouble with it. I'm usually really good at math. In fact, part of the reason I like dieting is because I treat it like a math problem, with calorie calculations and unit conversions and all. But, I don't know, it's hard. I absolutely hate graphing. Not that a lot of it is involved, but one section is about it and I hate it. And I can't stand the way my teacher teaches. Nothing personal against him, but I can't stand it. I'm just not used to it.

Damn, I feel like I've lost my ability to be open minded and adaptable and malleable in the sense of my ability to understand things.

Physics is hard, but I actually like it.

AP chem's probably my easiest class. Journalism, though often stressful, is wonderful. English, my teacher is just so amazing that it makes me want to put a lot of effort into everything.

I don't feel like talking about weight or dieting; it's about the same.

I'm fucking tired as hell. I need to sleep. I'm going to start sleeping early even if I don't have homework done. I'm just going to wake up early to do it, so that I can maybe reverse my bad sleeping habits.

Tomorrow's going to be a fucking busy ass day. And I'm a lazy ass, so that often just screws me over.

-going to school early to get help on calc because there's a test tomorrow
-watching student performances at lunch
-club meeting after school
-fundraiser after meeting
-home at around 6 if I'm lucky
-group english project to do
-35 pages of a book to read, which is going to take me like 1.5 hours because I'm a slow reader and the words are really small, probably size 10 font.

I really do want to sleep early.

I really shouldn't've been so lazy this whole school year. I've been slacking off on math homework cause it gives me a headache. Haven't been reading physics, because the notes are due on the whole chapter with one day's notice. Been copying most of my history homework; notes, worksheets, studyguides, but I still manage to get A's on my tests. Just forgot to turn in that one project to the website which cost me 50% off my grade... thank god projects are only worth 10%. And screw the teacher for not telling us our grades.

This weekend:
-read three chapters of history; test monday
-read the english book we're on, because I'm probably just going to sparknotes it tomorrow.
-work on physics


I really hope the calc test gets postponed.

sorry this is completely boring and long. I don't expect you to read it.

He's really cute?

School has been killing me.

I'm maintaining around 93-95 lbs throughout the day.

I don't know what to say. If you'd like a pointlessly detailed description of my life at the moment, then read on, I suppose I should tell you. But I don't feel like it.

I've been avoiding blogger because I just have too much homework and it's so easy to procrastinate by reading blogs. Physics is hard, but I kind of love it. I feel like it destroys my mind and that that's something I need. I've had things come rather easily for me and then I somehow developed this horrible and calculative and systematic mind that just isn't going to get me anywhere good in life. Physics will open my mind.

I had gained up to about 97 lbs at night last month, but I dropped down to 92 in a week on eating about 1000-1500 cal. It was surprisingly easy, but I don't have the motivation to do so lately.

I got a sucky job in journalism/the school newspaper. It made me rather sad and I kind of overreacted and cried when I got home. Not so much because of just the job but it made me think all these sad things. The day turned out pretty good though. I emailed my article to the features editor, who didn't even start editing it until midnight. But we ended up talking, and it was really nice.

Okay, now this is the part where I'm going to gush over him and then refuse to admit it because it makes me so embarrassed.

I've sort of known of him since middle school; he's pretty popular because he's just really cute and a good speaker. He was in my honors Pre-Calculus class last year, and he's actually really smart too. I remember thinking last year, that I don't like him because he's too perfect. I'm rather jealous of him for that, and it's off-putting. He's in a fucking band. And has amazing skin. And he's way too perfect because he's really nice too. And smart.

And here it goes: he called me cute.

Gosh, I still just want to jump around my room every time I think of that.

But alas, it seems as though it's not meant to be.

Our conversation was kind of a one-time thing. Mostly because I'm too shy of a person. Well, more like socially awkward.

It's been like two weeks, but I still just want to keep replaying our conversation. I have some of it saved, but most of it was on google docs and facebook, and those can't be saved ):

Anyways, because I'm apparently a giddy schoolgirl, the conversation went something like this:

we talked on facebook, but I was all sort of formal, just asking if he edited my article yet and then telling him to take his time cause I would be up late writing my other article. This was on his wall. And then he started a chat on facebook, which was completely new to me because I'm, well, not hip, I guess. I don't really remember what that was about. Just asking for my email again so he could edit it on google docs, I think.

So on gmail, he does that whole google document sharing thing, which was also new to me. It's really cool though. You can edit a document, and the other person can see the edits as it happens, and on the side there's a chatbox. So he's like let's chat while he edits. And so we kind of do.

I tell him that I'm new to the whole google docs thing. And it's awkward stuff at first, like what's up? facebook and homework, you? yeah, that kind of thing.

And then he asks me if I'm in this club (it's a social club), which I am. So I reply, yes, but I'm really not social.

and then he's like LOL and that's when we really start talking.

damn, I really wish the convo was saved. My memory only stretches so far.


fuck fuck fuck. i spent an hour writing about him and our convo, and it didn't get saved ): ahhh! ):

maybe this is a good thing?


summary: he asked what grade I was in (he's a senior). When I told him junior, he said "woohoo" because he thinks i'm cute and would feel weird about that if I was younger. And then we talked about our ages, we're both turning 17 this year. well, his birthday just passed last week. and he said that he's really young for his grade and I said I'm really old for mine. and he said that we're a perfect match.

I then suggested that he edit my other article, but he said it depends. and when I asked what it depended on, he said he'd edit it if I interacted with him. (earlier he had asked what I meant by not being social, and I said that i was just bad at interacting with people, but he said I was doing a good job with him.) I said that would be too weird and nevermind, because the teacher shouldn't expect much out of my first draft. and he's like just WOW.

We then started talking on the gmail chat thing. it was more casual though, and was actually saved so here it is:

him: talk hereee
me: sure
him: mhm
me: dude, you made me talk on the facebook chat thing and google docs and this for the first time all in one day

him: LOL
uhh
yay me?
me: lol no
not cool
him: haha why!!
me: no reason
him: -_-
me: (:
him: gahhh
you're really cute -_-
me: thanks i guess
him: bleh.
me: meh
him: blehhhhh
<3
me: eh
him: wooooow
me: what?
him: nothinnn
hey ill talk to you tomorrow
im going to sleep
goodnight
:-*
hehehhe
;)
me: alright
goodnight (:
him: talk to me tomorrow?
yeah?
ok
cool
hehe
me: that's weird ):


I hate how flirty he is ):

and the next day in school was rather awkward. he did try though. he sat at the seat next to me and got told off by the guy who really sat there for playing with his binder. It was weird, because he was just reading another school's newspaper and making comments that I didn't know how to reply to. And I don't know if he did it on purpose, but I'm pretty sure he did, but he was all physically close. Like when he would pass me on his way to his desk and stuff. It's weird ):

I also ended up not being able to sleep because I kept thinking about him. and I kept procrastinating that weekend because i was on facebook hoping he'd talk to me. Gosh, that's bad.

My crush on him has died down though, thank God.

I don't know though. What do you guys think?

So onto other things, I really love journalism, despite the crappy job I got stuck with. The people are all so amazing. I've started talking to a few of them sort of. Well, I guess since it's a pretty small class, we're on a say-hi-when-you-see-each-other kind of basis. It's nice. They're nice.

Guess that's all I really feel like saying right now.

I'm still mad because I had spent about an houring gushing about that guy and recounting the conversation, but I had logged into my other email account, and then when I went to preview the post, it didn't get saved. ):

ahhhh, I'm still thinking about how cute he is.

exercising rhino

It's a rhino working out in hopes of becoming a unicorn.

The rhino's dream is more unrealistic than yours and mine. But it is not giving up. Neither should are we.

eyebrows

I got my eyebrows done for the first time yesterday. I'm sixteen. My mother just wouldn't let me do it before, and I didn't want to try and mess them up myself.

A girl told me I was pretty today. But then, she told our teacher that too.. Though my teacher is really pretty. She's really tall and skinny, I don't know how she does it.

I think ever since I started trying to lose weight, I've started eating more. Or wanting to. And binging. I get hungry so much faster now too ): My tummy starts growling at like second period, and it's only like two and a half hours after I've eaten breakfast.

Probably had around 1200-1300 cals today. meh.

I've been pretty good lately. Loving school; my teachers are pretty awesome. (Two of them have made Harry Potter references, which just make my day.) One is, as one of my classmates have said, just "godly." He is amazingly insightful and has such a charismatic disposition. He even played his guitar and sang us a song.

Homework is already piling up. This whole week I've stayed up until one or two and woke up at six, just to work on my projects. Mostly, it was making up for my summer procrastination (Thank goodness my teachers extended the due dates by a day). But still. I've already got a little history project to do, a whole chapter (that's about 25 pages) of notes, and an essay on another chapter I must read. This is little though, and I don't mind. I miss learning.

I've been bringing a sandwich to eat for lunch everyday, along with two granola bars and a zip lock baggie of kix (cereal), which is about 500-550 calories consumed during school, depending on what I put on my sandwich. Usually, it's less though, as I don't finish the cereal, and often eat only one granola bar, and 3/4s of my sandwich. Sandwiches are getting a bit boring though, so does anyone have any ideas of something simple that I could bring to school and preferably eat somewhat conspicuously in class?

Lunches have been pretty good, despite my fear of it being miserable. I've fallen into a routine of hanging out with a close friend in the career center, and we work on homework like the nerds we are. There's also this amazingly thin asian girl that comes in sometime. I'm guessing she's a freshman, but she's pretty tall, at least 5'6. She's good thinspo. Her jeans are so baggy on her. But I'm pretty sure she eats.

That reminds me of this other girl I met in freshman year. super thin, but in that kind of healthy looking and defined way, like a model. But she definitely ate. She was actually the one who often suggested getting lunch, and it was pizza. She even bought cookies sometimes and gave me one, as the school requires you to buy three at a time.

I'm pretty sure my ex best friend is ana again. I can't believe how obvious it is now, and how I never noticed it before. She always talks about exercise, her weight, drinking coffee, and how "full" she is. As I don't care for her now, It's completely annoying. I hope she gets fat.

Yes, I am quite bitter and, I admit, jealous. But I don't really give a shit. As long as I'm better than her at math. And english..

Highlight of the week: I slept at 9pm last night. (bed at around 8:45) This is the earliest I've slept in months, if not years. And woke up at 7. I feel so good about myself, lol.

intake:
- Lean Cuisine meal (300) and green tea (0)
- Fiber One bar (90)
- 1/2 a chewy bar (50)
- 1/2 cup kix (50)
- 3/4 sandwich w/ chicken lunch meat (150)
- 2/5 of a baguette sandwich (200)
- this asian pastry thing (300?)
- 2 pieces of ravioli (200)
- 2 dumplings and a chicken nugget (100)
total: 1440

Yeah, kind of bad.

I've been so fucking tired lately. Sleeping around 1 to 2 am and waking up at 6 for the past three or four days. I've only had one 15 minute nap too. But it's finally over. For the weekend anyway. I've got a bunch of homework already though. Need to read two chapters from my textbooks, write a 1 page essay, two leads for journalism, some math, and a mini project, but that's not due till wednesday.

I'm tired, and it's only 8 so far. I guess I'll try to stay up and finish math, so I can maybe go out during the weekend and maybe some little exercises.

motorcycle drive by

School went pretty great today. I love Journalism, though I feel intimidated in that class. I believe I made the right decision. I love all my classes. I am unsure of myself and how well I'll be able to do in them. Doubt is not such a useless feeling though. And it is often irrelevant. Even if doubt may exist, it's the challenge and my willingness to take it that matters.

I survived lunch in the career center, ran into a close of mine that I normally wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with at lunch because she has her own group of friends that I don't belong with, but we just stayed in the career center, and it was nice. I feel incredibly grateful and lucky sometimes. This is one of them.

Even if things don't go so well tomorrow. It is fine. Even if I am a loner at lunch tomorrow, it is fine. Even if I feel so alone, I can still feel alive. I will bury myself in finishing some chemistry homework (cause I'm too much of a lazy ass procrastinator to do it now) or maybe I'll will just get lost in the magical, wizarding world of Harry Potter.

"I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive"

-3EB (Third Eye Blind)

I am absolutely in love with this song. Here's what the lyricist had to say about it:

"The main idea in the song is that sometimes when you're really lonely, you really feel alive and you feel like you know who you are. "

I find it absolutely amazing, and this belief is what will get me through lonely days.
& My favorite line:

"I don't believe you, you're so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt, you're guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you"

loner

School starts tomorrow!

It doesn't feel like it at all though. I'm not really nervous. I don't think much about it. It's just, I'm a bit scared of what I'll do at lunch. I don't really have any friends I'm close enough and comfortable around to hang out with at lunch; they all have their own groups of friends. Our school doesn't exactly have a cafeteria, but we have an eating area next to the quad and we can practically roam around anywhere on campus (it's small). Besides, I don't really eat school lunch. I would go to the library, but the library is closed for the first few days of school. I'm not close to any teachers to go to their class rooms. I would go to the bleachers and just sit alone, but sometimes the guards around school make students get off it. Ahh, I just don't want to be miserable at lunch tomorrow. It's not that I mind being alone, it's just that I mind being alone in front of people. It makes me feel all self-conscious and pitiable and I hate that feeling. I really don't want to just go walking around the school grounds. Sure, I'd get some exercise, but a girl told me once that she saw me doing that and kind of felt sorry for me. It made me feel embarrassed and horrible. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I know I can sort of just force my presence on my friends/acquaintances, but that's not something I would do. My cousin is also starting school with me, but she has her own friends and I don't want to hold her down. I had actually planned to be a sort of safe haven for her. She often gets into drama with her friends, and I always hang out in the library doing my homework, so I thought it would be nice if she could always just come to me there if anything bad happened. We're pretty close.

Anyways, I still have not finished my summer homework! lol. But it's cool. I realized most everything is due on the second day of school. I've only got to do notecards for about 100 more studyguide questions, answer lab questions for chemistry, and put a project together (I've got all the work done). It's really not that bad.

I didn't have a meal plan for myself today. I was so tired yesterday that I forgot and just wrote down a schedule. But I think I made pretty good decisions for myself today. It was a nice change, and I didn't feel the need to weigh myself in the mornings like I normally do.

I am absolutely obsessed with the drama Why Why Love. I watch it with english subtitles, but I still find it incredibly cute.

pwned

my essay. Got it done last night about 15 minutes before it was due. I feel like I was too repetitive with it, but fuck it. Only thing is, I ended up sleeping at around 2, woke up at 6 before finally getting up at 7:30 this morning, and my eyes were baggy as fuck. I swear, a wrinkle formed or something. I have to take better care of myself, gosh.

The days aren't as stressful anymore though. No more binging just to avoid writing. And the things I have left, they are things I know I can get done. So things are looking up.

Today wasn't as low cal as I'd hoped, but it was a damn nice day. I was up at 7:30, baked some muffins, went to a bakesale for my club until a little after 11, then to costco, office depot, staples, and cvs. Got home at around 3. So I was pretty active for at least two hours. I actually didn't really eat that much baked goods today. I had a little piece of everything my friend made, like a pinch I ripped off from a cupcake or so. Lunch was just free samples at costco. It might've been a bit calorie dense, but I was walking the whole time, so I'm not so worried. Kind of binged at home a bit, but then dinner was just veggies and some soup.

intake:
- bread (40) w/ chicken (20)
- cupcakes/muffins/brownie bits (200)
- costco free samples (300?)
- leftover spaghetti and chicken steak (400?)
- almond nougat (35)
- bbq chips (200?)
- jello (100?)
- soup (200?)
- veggies (100?)
total: around 1600?

Hopefully, I can go grocery shopping tonight and get in a bit of walking at least. I'm planning to sleep kind of early today, because I hate that I'm ruining my health by not doing so. School starts in a few days, and I have to be up at around 5. Strawberries only if I feel like binging later on tonight.

I know I haven't been blogging lately, but I just haven't been in the mood like I used to be.

Disneyland was nice. We left early because Space Mountain broke down while we were in line, but the day was already going so nicely, I didn't mind so much even though it's my absolute favorite ride.

My weight's been 93/94 in the mornings. It's a bit depressing how I can't seem to get it down, but I've just had so much homework to worry about instead. School starts in about 4 days, and I'd like to be at least (or most?) 92lbs in the morning by then. My essay is due tonight. It's pretty inevitable that I'll eat a lot today, just because I absolutely avoid facing such things that require more thinking. But the days following, I'll diet more and get back on track and ready for school.

I decided to drop an AP class of mine. It was Spanish. I had the hardest time deciding between it and Journalism, but I feel I made the right choice for myself.

Yeah, I'm just trying to avoid writing my essay right now. Due in 9 hours. I have a lot of time, but I don't know. I feel like I'm stuck in such an unfeeling, yet miserable mood right now.

My motivation's completely dried up. I just want to indulge myself in mindless things. Binging, watching tv or a movie, reading.

I feel sad.

I've rearranged my room. I thought I needed a new work environment. But I messed it up already. I procrastinated. And binged on cereal.

I'm tired.

I feel ashamed. I procrastinate and complain about my summer homework, when there are people who wanted to take the class but didn't make it in. I binge and restrict when there are people who are starving. I yell at my parents and get into arguments with my siblings when there are people who don't have a family or have one that doesn't care. I feel unworthy of so many things. I feel so lucky sometimes. And I don't know how to not take things for granted. Do I do that by refusing things or do I take advantage of it and revel in it? Yesterday, I was rather productive. I had come to the conclusion that I should do my best with my homework, so that I would actually be deserving of my spot in class. Today, I feel like I don't care.

I feel so uncomfortable living my life sometimes.

I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow.

antisocial nerd

I haven't been caring much about my weight this past week. After coming back from Canada, I don't know. Everything just seemed to crash down on me. Not exactly in a bad way, I suppose, it was just a lot for me.

First of all, summer homework. I am a nerd. Did you know that? I'm taking 4 AP (Advanced Placement) and 2 honors classes next year (my junior year). I've got summer homework for 4 classes. I've finished the tedious and time consuming notes and stuff, but I still have a lot to do. I still have to write 20 articles for a history project, read a 500 page book and write an essay on it, complete a chemistry lab (mostly graphing stuff), write a history essay, answer 200 history questions (some of whom the answers aren't even in my book. In addition to that, I haven't even started on the homework for one of the classes (a language one), because I've decided to wait until I get my schedule to be sure that all the classes fit, because if not, its the first one I'm dropping. So that's maybe an addition 10 paragraphs, a packet of over 30 pages (two sided, so more like 60 pages), and some textbook work.


I'm also in a club that involves so much devotion and time commitment, on my part. I'm vice president. I don't even know why I'm in the club. But I really can't find the heart to quit now that I'm in it. Anyways, it's taken up my last friday, saturday, and sunday. I also got sick from being out so much, but I've just recovered today. There are times when it's really just not worth it, but I don't know, ultimately, it is. It's helped me grow. It's somewhat of a social and service club. All girls. Meetings every week. I have to plan the services too. I'm not social at all still. But it's helped. I imagine I would feel completely lonely without the club.


It's really not that I want to be perfect. You know, skinny and smart and social. But I'm honestly interested in the classes I'm taking. Well, except maybe not history so much, but I think the class will be fun and I couldn't get it during the summer so I have to take it during the school year. And not the language one, that one really is just because I'm worried for college. But other than that, I really like my subjects. Skinny is just because I've always preferred that look. Not because of others. Because of me. Social is something I need to learn to be. Or be able to be. I'm anti social. I'm proud of it. But I can't feel uncomfortable and awkward and shit around others.

Anyways, I've been able to maintain a weight of around 93 lbs in the mornings. I've been eating like 1500-2000 ish calories though, so that's pretty good.

And oh god, I hate myself for this, but I've only started on the summer homework today. I've just been so fucking lazy and procrastinated and yeah. I'm always confident that I'll get through it though. I just hope I won't ruin my health by staying up late to do so.

Back to homework, back to homework now. Gotta write one more article. Plan tomorrow, because it's so fucking fun. And sleep before midnight. Or read, if I can't. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

The Pigeon Detectives

Leaving for Canada in about 12 hours, just thought I'd leave with a post also.

Today, it may just be my period, but I've been so emotional and easily upset. I cried over stupid things, resurfaced realizations, a continuing cycle of revenge and hurt, being a part of that cycle, and for someone very dear to me.

I had actually started pouring out my feelings and everything in a post I was writing earlier, (I tend to do that a lot), but I just felt it was too personal to post.

Anyways, despite everything, today was not a bad day. I finished my essay, went out to eat for lunch and dinner, and I just didn't really stress. I did get really frustrated with some family members, by that's just something that's characteristic of family.

I didn't care so much about what I ate today, but I had one of those moments where I really felt fat today. I put on some old jeans I haven't worn for a while and just hated how fat I looked. I mean, I know that in reality and bmi-wise, I'm not anywhere near fat or overweight. But I feel like those things don't take height into consideration. Even at a size 1, I look chubby. I feel so discouraged when I think of how low my weight would have to be to actually look skinny.

But screw that shit for now. I'm going to pack, go to bed, and leave this country tomorrow. (literally, as it's 11:57 pm now) I'm going to enjoy myself.

I hope there'll be a cute boy my age on the tour also, haha. Though to be honest, I am pretty awkward around boys and well, just anyone my age, but mostly boys. That reminds me, today I saw not one, but two really hot/cute boyish girls. There's just something really attractive about them. I don't think I'm a lesbian, or at least I can't really imagine myself one, but I've always figured I'm too young to really know that about myself yet.

the kids don't stand a chance

So I've gained a lb or so. I can't force myself to care anymore though. I'm too stressed out with homework. And I binge when I have homework I don't want to do. But it's just tomorrow left and then I'll be off on a plane to Canada and I can forget everything and chill. While doing homework... Yes, I'm bringing my homework with me. I need to get the littler things out of the way and I don't think I would mind doing it so much while on vacation. It's a tour. I have most of it planned out in my head. I'm going to get some chemistry and spanish homework done on the plane ride and every day at night when I get back to the hotel. And during the bus rides, I'm going to read a book.

I dream of being able to read without distractions, without guilt that I should be doing my homework, without any other thoughts. I just want to enjoy reading. Truth be told, I've never been much of a reader, but I do find myself enjoying every single book I read.

I feel like I'm too suffocated with stress. I should be writing my essay right now. Or doing more reading logs. Or working on some history questions. I should be doing something productive. But I'm not. And I can't. It's really just not my nature. I can't stay committed for long intervals. I can't do things when I'm not in the mood to. I just can't.

Or maybe I should stop saying that and say I can instead. But I feel like I'm betraying myself and who I am sometimes when I try to do such things.

This is really just a pointless post and another way for me to procrastinate and avoid writing my essay, but it's better than binging again.

But I've decided. I'm not going to worry about food and my weight and stuff until after vacation. I think it's the best for me right now. I only have one more day before my homework is due, one more day before I leave for vacation, one more day of stressing out and binging. It's just one more day. And then I leave. I'm gone. I will literally take up off the ground and fly into the sky. I will close my eyes and listen to my iPod with my new headphones (which I've realized hurts my ears) on. I will pull down the little table on the seat in front of me, and commit myself to my chemistry homework (which actually soothes and calms me, because it doesn't require the intricate thinking that writing and responding to literature does). I will finish and start my spanish homework and create notecards for extra credit, or even take out my notebook and start sprouting off poetic nonsense. And when I get there, I will go on a car ride to the hotel, in which I will do nothing but look out the window and take in my new surroundings and find beauty in the world around me. The following days will be filled with long bus rides and sight seeing. I will fall in love with the world on this trip. I will read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and fall in love once more with that magical world.

Maybe I might even be able to use that time to lose weight. I'm assuming there will be a lot of walking. But I think there'll also be many buffets that we'll be going to for dinner or something. But I think if I eat little then, I won't be able to continue binging, because then we'll leave and return to the bus or something.

But screw that for now. It's homework time! I feel like I've forgotten how to write essays though. I haven't written one in almost two months. I feel rather hopeless with this, but I will close my eyes and find hope within me. I am independent. If I need hope, I can depend on myself for that and find it in me. Ah, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck, I have to get serious now.

Palindrome

racecar. level. ana. music also. do re mi fa so la ti do. do ti la so fa mi re do. weightloss also. 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 98 97 96 95 94 93 92 91. the palindrome's a fragment of the timeline of one's weight.

palindromes are fascinating to me. I wrote pages about them in my notebook.

I haven't really been counting calories today and yesterday. It's nice not to count calories, but I just know I will later when I get ready for bed. I was 92.8 lbs yesterday and 93.0 today. I'll probably have gained tomorrow, but eh.

It's just I have a deadline to finish my summer homework. I need to do a bunch of reading logs and an essay by Tuesday, and I haven't even started. I have no doubt that I will finish, but it's just I know I need to get started but I don't want to. And so I try to procrastinate. And I do that by eating.

I have a headache.

rats live on no evil star = rats live on no evil star (backwards)

Life is weird.

Yesterday ended in a horrible binge. But I had a good day.

Today is a nice day. Today is lasting forever somewhere in the midst of time.

Tomorrow will be alright, because my phone automatically capitalizes that word. Alright.

Anyways, I'm under 1000 cal today. Ran up and down the stairs 40 times, among some other little exercises. I went to the market on my own today and got 0 cal noodles, miso soup, udon soupbase, and seaweed. I drove in a pressured, nervous, dangerous way. It was fun and exciting. And I enjoyed reading today.

This guy started texting me again. I thought he got the picture weeks ago that I wasn't replying because I am turned off by his texts. Still, I find myself replying. He crosses my mind often, but I have no romantic feelings toward him. I suppose he is a cool guy, but I don't think I can be friends with him. We have a lot in common, but there are greater things that define a person. I do not entirely like his person and his definition is disappointing. I am a cold hearted bitch. I have never had a boyfriend. Boys freak me out. I am not ready for any of their shit. I will be a self centered person because I am not ready to truly care about new people yet. Actually, I guess I just don't want to be tied down. I'm looking for someone who will go on adventures with me. He would, but I would not feel comfortable with him. He is too real. too typical. and not in the good way. I am mean.

By the way, there is no reason that life is weird. I just felt like saying that.

secrets

Last night, I realized I've been keeping secrets from my notebook. So I confessed and told it about this blog.

This morning, I woke up and realized that I have another notebook to plan out my days, what I'm going to eat, weight goals, etc. And that that could actually be found and be physical evidence that I'm trying to lose weight, which would be just as bad as my blog being found. and more likely.

I'm hoping people respect my privacy though. I'm pretty sure everyone I live with (my family) knows that I write in notebooks. I'm just not sure if they've ever looked or read them without my knowing it. It scares me. On the front page of most of them, I've written: "Have some respect. Wait until I'm dead." because it wouldn't matter to me if people read them when I was dead. I hope people read them when I'm dead. I've written messages I don't have the guts or pride to say.

Anyways, I cleaned my room yesterday. It probably took me like 4 hours total. I finished at 1:14 or 1:43 AM or something like that. I felt pretty accomplished. I usually stop halfway, after taking everything out to reorganize, because then it seems too much and I get lazy and go to sleep.

Food wise, I sort of binged. But I weighed 93.6 lbs this morning, same as yesterday morning I think.

Today was pretty good though. woke up late. ate okay, albeit a bit too much at dinnertime. worked out a bit after with my little brother during commercials of this show about this overweight family with diabetes trying to get healthy. read about 100 pages of my book. (only 40 more pages to go to reach my goal for the day. But I'll manage since I'm bound to stay up late).

The scale's weird today. I only weighed 94.6 ish after dinner (it would usually be like 95 or more). And plus, my little brother was 84. After exercising, he was 82. after peeing, he was 80. His weight fluctuates like fuck. In fact, he puts the fuck in fluctuate.

Going to the mall tomorrow, so I'll get in a lot of walking. But I really want a fucking almond pretzel. That shit is like 400 calories though.

I can have it if I'm 92 lbs in the morning.

Oh yeah. Last night I made a fool/full?-proof plan for today. Main thing: I wrote my morning weight on my hand to keep reminding me that I'm not at my goal weight yet. It worked out pretty well. (by dinnertime, it faded) I'll do it again tomorrow. If anyone sees, it's the page I left off on in my book.

I love making up excuses in my head. I'm addicted to thinking about trivial stuff. What I would say in an interview. What I'm going to eat tomorrow. How many calories I've eaten so far. How many pieces of gum I have left. Applesauce. Planes. Trains. Subways. Bananas. Apples. Clementines. Food. Homework. How many pages of notes I should do. Where's my phone?! (Someone better not be scrolling through my secret pictures)

rampage.

Last night, I went on a list-making rampage.

I made a schedule for today and tomorrow. Planned out what I would eat those two days. Made a list of all my summer homework. A diet plan for when school starts again. Goals for the day. Things to do before I leave for vacation. Things to do during vacation. And a calendar for the days before vacation, and what I need to get done each day.

This doesn't even include the alternative plans I made for each.

Oh, and I can't forget the rules I made for the calendar. Or the key to the symbols I had on there.

And while I was trying to sleep, all I could think about were special things I could do with the lists. Like the calendar, I'm going to use a different color pen each day to mark off the tasks that I got done.

It made me so excited for the next few days.

And I realized, this is what I'm addicted to. Making lists and plans and organizing things on paper. And then sabotaging it and myself.

I was a bit sleepy before I started, but I felt wide awake after. And I just kept going.

I almost wanted to make a plan for each day before I leave, but then I remembered that I would inevitably fuck myself over on those days.

I am self-destructive.

I don't know what it is about making lists, dieting, counting calories, etc that I'm so addicted to. The mindlessness of it? How it's a way to pass time? The structure it gives to my life? It's eventual collapse?

x

On another note, my mom is weird. She just made me try on the bras she got me from victoria secret in front of her, cause I said they were too big. She agreed. And then she told me that I have really small boobs. She is right. A 32A is too big for me. I'm not even skinny. I'm flat and fat.

Now, I just realized that if I do lose weight as I want to, and if she ever sees me in a bra again, it will probably be very noticeable. That's kind of bad.

x

note 3: My parents bought a huge pack of condoms from Costco today. I was with them. It was insanely awkward for me. I tried to mind my own business and give them the privacy to hide it from me. I'm not sure if they expected me to not know what it was. Honestly, I am pretty innocent and sheltered in that area, but I'm in high school. I'm bound to encounter condoms sooner or later. Not that I'd use them in high school, but that I'd see them. And the different brands when I go to Target with friends. It's just weird that they'd buy them from Costco, of all places..

x

So today ended up pretty good.

I did more homework than I had planned. Finished my notes, so fuck yeah, bitch. Didn't finish typing up my notes for another subject, but I'll get to that.

I went to costco with my parents and got in over an hour of walking. with breaks because of human and cart-pushing traffic, of course.

I notice now that I'm attracting more attention. I can feel people my age looking at me. Girls judging me. Guys doing whatever the fuck it is they do. It's nice and uncomfortable. I used to kind of want to attract attention, but when I do, I just feel uncomfortable. But I'd rather have that than be unnoticed. Well, at least in the mood I'm currently in right now. Invisibility is nice, but the appeal of it is the ability to control it.

I also walked to the local market (like a block away) with my mom and got in another 30 minutes of walking, albeit slower since I like to browse through all the food.

Intake:
- sandwich with 2 slices of chicken lunchmeat (100)
- 1/2 cup soymilk (my aunt threw away the rest because she thought I was done) (50)
- some broccoli and a few leftover pieces of meat from my parents lunch at a restaurant (I didn't go with them) (150)
- free samples at costco: 2 sample cups of juice, 1 small portion of a fiber one bar, 1 piece of dried fruit, 1 sample cup of yogurt (100)
- apple (50)
- banana (125) over a slice of bread (40) with peanut butter (85) = (250)
- seaweed, 4 with some rice (100)
- a few pieces of fried shrimp, chicken, fish, and oyster (400)
total: 1200 ish

That's what I was planning for today, though.

I also blotted the fried stuff. Like I ate it with a napkin, and used the napkin to absorb some of the oil so that I wouldn't have to eat it. I do that with my pizza also. And anything else oily whenever I can. Does anyone else do that?

Fuck

fuck fuck fuck. I just weighed in at 97.2 a few minutes ago. Two days ago, I was 92.2 lbs. How the fuck did that happen? I mean, I only had 2/3 days that were bad calorie wise.

But honestly, I'm not too worried. I'm pretty sure I'm just bloated and tbh, I haven't had a bowel movement for 2-3 days.

I'm going to exercise now though.

Anyways, today I couldn't go on the scale in the morning. And I also decided not to count calories today. But I ended up binging at night.. But then I went for a 30 minute walk with my parents and I just did some more little exercises and will do some more before I go to bed.

I'm planning to make tomorrow really structured though, sort of. I have a feeling some event will pop up that will make me give in though.

Planning to go jogging with my parents in the morning, and then shopping. Not sure if we're going to go out to eat, but I really just want to stay home and make my own food.

Beats

I forgot to add that the new headphones just makes me want to lose weight and be thinner also. It's just that those girls all into music and with those killer headphones are usually skinny. Or at least the ones you see in commercials in stuff. I never really see them in real life. But anyways, it's just an image I'd like to obtain. Plus, I'm going to go on vacation for a week starting July 28. That means a plane ride, which means I'll be using my new headphones on the plane, so I want to look a bit thinner to go with it, haha.

Oh, and yesterday my brother also brought home some chocolates, which I had three little pieces of but which equates to like 200 calories. Plus, I had more chips and stuff, but it was good. I enjoyed it. Probably was like 2000-2500 cals yesterday,and like 1000 of it was just chips lol. But on the bright side, I didn't have any today, and my little brother finished it all, so I won't even be able to binge and get fat off of that(:

Today's intake:
1:00 pizza: flatbread (100), 1/4 cup tomato sauce (35), 1/7 cup cheese (65), chicken (50) = (250)
3:00 miso soup (30)
4:00 2/3 apple (50)
7:00 miso soup (30), 4 mini wontons (50), 1/5 kamaboko (40), shirtaki noodles (0) = (120)
& one strawberry, some gum and tic tacs (50)
total: 500

But I'm pretty sure it's a little under 500 calories today(:

And I know it's pretty pathetic, but this is probably the less I've ever had in one day.

My parents and brother went out to eat dinner, but I decided not to go with them and make the wonton noodle soup for myself. I was pretty indecisive about it though. I didn't really feel like going to the restaurant they were going to, but I did want to eat with them. Oh well, they'll be plenty of other chances for that, I hope.

Pretty much no exercise today though.

I also couldn't weigh myself this morning, since my brothers were around the scale and it's awkward with them there. I'm not too worried about my weight though.

I feel like I'm wasting time. I'm so lazy and unproductive. It's disappointing, but enjoyable at the same time.

I am in love

with the new headphones my brother just got me from another country! They are amazing. I feel so in love with music again. I can actually just listen to the song, instead of being impatient and distracted. I feel so giddy and happy. I just want to squeal and jump for joy every so often as I listen to my iPod(:

The day's been great. I'm calm and my hearts lighter. I'm not as stressed. I did binge on chips, but I don't even care. I'm happy. Or well, I'm at least really cheerful. It's just ever since I read A Doll's House, I feel like I don't know what happiness is other than an act for me. Cheerful's at least something I can honestly say.

Anyways, tomorrow, or well, today, I guess as it's passed midnight, will be back to schedule, except I'll try to be more chill and do things because I want to, not because I feel I have to because of this insane pressure that I put on myself.

My face hurts.

So after some troubled thinking, a little bit of crying and screaming into my pillow (for the first time), and angry venting with a black pen to my notebook, I decided that I needed to give myself a break. Screw my summer homework. Screw my responsibilities. Screw myself for caring so much about that shit.

I ended up sleeping in and skipping an event I was supposed to go to, lying that I overslept when I simply went back to sleep on purpose.

I still baked some mini brownies and made my friend a birthday card though, despite it stressing me out a bit, just because I felt she deserved it. (The birthday card was stressful because I had to get other people to sign it also)

I did end up eating a bunch of chips at a friends house and an oreo though.

I ended up not doing any homework. But you know what, it's not as dreadful as it was when I felt that I had to do it.

The only bad thing was that I wanted to iron my shorts, but I don't know how to use the thing, so I somehow ended up spilling a bunch of water in my parents room and later got in trouble for it, because I didn't clean it up properly. (I thought it would dry by itself given a few hours since it was water!) And then my father yelled at me for wearing shoes in the house, when they were actually just my black socks. And he wouldn't say sorry!

Anyways, today's intake:
- 2 slices of bread (80)
- 2 slices chicken lunchmeat (35)
- banana (125)
- 1 tsp of peanut butter (35)
- some strawberries (25)
- a bunch of bbq lays and an oreo (500?)
- a mini brownie (100)
- part of an individual sponge cake (100?)
- rice and asian meat (500?)
yeah, about 1500. eh. I wasn't worrying about what I was eating that much today, though, and I didn't have an eating plan like I normally do. I just kind of figured I would do and eat what I wanted today. No exercise, really.

Also, I weighed 92.2 today! (finally got back to the 92's yesterday at 92.8)

orange tic tacs

Today's intake:
- pizza: flatbread (100), 1/4 cup tomato sauce (35), 1/4 cup cheese (80), chicken (85)
- small green apple (80)
- cereal (120)
- rice (100)
- soup (100)
- fish (300)
- an asian candy, gum, tic tacs, strawberries, condensed milk, frosting etc (150)
- 5 bbq ruffles (75)
total: about 1225

& Some minor exercise in the morning.

Jupiter: The Bringer of Jolity

It's a musical composition by Gustav Holst. He did one for every planet. He is a genius. Seriously. He didn't do one for Pluto, because it wasn't discovered yet at his time or he was too lazy to or something, but then it turns out that Pluto isn't even really a planet. It's a dwarf planet or something, that we have a bunch of in the universe, so it doesn't count anymore lol.

Anyways, it's not really the whole song that I like, just this really uplifting middle part of it. (3:00-5:00 ish)

There's also this recreation of it with lyrics added in Japanese, by Hirahara Ayaka. I really like it. There's also a video of the same song, but with this amazing pianist with only 4 fingers--2 on each hand.

It's just, I find the song so very moving.I hope you all like it.

One mole (6.022 x 10^23) of seconds is 4 million times as long as Earth has already existed!

Last night, I stayed up until 2 am, despite the fact that I was in bed at 10. I was writing in my notebook and planning the next day, and then I started thinking about what I was going to eat and I got so excited, I guess, that I couldn't go to sleep. I thought of a new meal to make for myself that was low calorie! What was it, you ask?

wonton noodle soup: 4 mini wontons (50 cal), miso soup packet (30 cal), and shirataki noodles (0 cal) = 80 cal and really filling.

And then I just got all these other ideas, like I could add broccoli or kamaboko (this asian fish cake thing I have at home that I need to get rid of). By then, I was so awake that I couldn't sleep, so I ended up using the computer since I couldn't concentrate on reading.

Anyways, today's intake:
- 2 slices of double fiber bread (140)
- 2 tsp peanut butter (65)
- 1 tsp hummus (10)
- 3 slices of chicken lunchmeat (45)
- 1 tsp honey (20)
- one cup almond milk (40)
- miso soup (30)
- 5 mini wontons (65)
- 1/6 kamaboko (30)
- shirataki noodles (0)
- 3 asian candies (50)
- chinese/taiwanese? sausage (200)
- some veggie soup w/ a piece of meat (100)
- 1 slice (about 1/6) of this frozen thin crust chicken alfredo pizza (200?)
- 2 pieces of gum (5)
total: 1000 (I didn't even try to round it so nicely! but it's a bit less since I threw away part of my sandwich.)

As for exercise, I got rather lazy today that I didn't even do the amount the notes I had wanted to finish today. But in my defense, I went to visit my cousin down the street who just came back from vacation. I did do some stretching and minor exercising in the morning though.

Also, after I ate my sandwich I got a tummy ache. My tummy aches are weird though. It always hurts like right above my tummy, in the area between my rib cage and below my chest bone, I think? And I have this weird thing where my tummy aches and back aches are connected, so when one hurts, the other starts to hurt too. Sometimes it gets really bad, and can last for like 3 days, but today it was gone within a few hours. I think today's one was caused by my not eating right after I wake up like I normally do.

Anyways, I also went to the market today and got some stuff. Getting food always makes me excited. Like this bread I found today! 2 slices = 80 cal, 0 fat cals, and 7 grams of fiber! (I'm trying to increase my fiber intake and the other 40 cal breads only had 4 grams in two slices) I almost didn't get it too; I just kind of saw it as I was leaving.

Sorry, I always tend to get too wordy and start rambling whenever I do my posts, but at the same time, it's kind of fun!

Calories.

I don't know if it's just the United States, but I hate how the food labels here are always rounded. The calories are almost always multiples of 10 (sometimes 5, but then for 1 slice of bread it will say 70 and right above it it'll say 150 for two slices). The masses of certain things and percentages are also rounded. It's annoying. Why can't they be like Asian countries and give exact measurements? I'd rather know that it's like 27.7 kcal than 30 cals or 1.3 g instead of 1g. I don't know why they have to do that. I mean, I think consumers can handle the truth. And I hate how they have to give new labels for imported foods. For instance, yesterday I got miso soup. The package came with five different flavors. The nutrition label said that 1 pack was 30 cals. But it was a sticker that covered the actual caloric values of each (which ranged from 27.3 to 28.7 or something like that).

Anyways, I know it's not a big deal, but it's just annoying.

So today:
12:00 yoplait light strawberry yogurt (100), some kashi (25), part of a flatbread (30), part of a pastry (45) a thin slice of poundcake (100), green tea (0)
2:30 1/2 a chicken sandwich (100), an orange (100), green tea (0)
4:30 campbell's chicken noodle soup at hand (80)
5:30 really small serving of lasagna (120)
7:00 rice (150), piece of asian candy (50), some miso soup (30), two chicken wings (400), 2/3 a strip of korean short rib (200), thin slice of poundcake (100), some shrimp crackers (120)
total: 1750

Yeah, kind of bad. But when I was counting it in my head, i thought it was about 1500. Hopefully, I'm overestimating the chicken wings and short ribs. I hate not knowing how many calories something actually is.

weighed 93.0 lbs again this morning.

I'm determined to make tomorrow a productive, low calorie day.

I've never been on an actual train before

Yesterday:
12:00 Lean Cuisine meal (300)
3:00 chicken sandwich (200)
6:00 hot pot: mostly vegies, an egg white, some pieces of chicken, and small serving of vermicelli and rice (500?)
8:30 vanilla ice cream sundae with chocolate fudge and bits of nut (500?)
total: like 1500.

Not horrible considering I went out to eat for the hot pot and ice cream with family, so yeah..

Today:
1:00 Thai food: 1/2 my Pad Se Ew; some pieces of chicken; thai tea (700?)
6:30 leftover hot pot with some shirataki noodles (500?)
and three pieces of this chinese new year candy (100?) and pieces of fish cake (100?)
total: 1400 ish

Not that bad, I guess.

This morning I weighed 93.0lbs. A big improvement from two days ago, when I weighed fucking 95.0 lbs in the morning.

I also went shopping with my mom for a bit, and then to this Japanese market where I bought 4 packs of shirtaki noodles and finally found some instant miso soup (30 cals per cup, but it comes with toppings like tofu, green onion, spinich, bean curd, and something else).

I think I'm finally getting back on track, a bit. I had planned to eat like 1000 calories a day, but decided to make it 1500 if I went out to eat.

Going on vacation on July 28. Hopefully I can reach 90.0 lbs by then, but if not, at least get back to 91/92 ish.

I should really start exercising more..

art

I've written four posts now that I couldn't bring myself to publish. I felt three were too personal and one too boring.

I guess I wanted this blog to be interesting yet detached.

Now that I've said that, I am reminded about The Picture of Dorian Gray. In the prologue, Oscar Wilde wrote: "To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's aim." Of course, this is impossible, and the artist himself was a hypocrite, who showed too much of himself in his own writing. I didn't think much of the quote at first, but I guess you could say, I am an artist and this blog is art. By creating art, I have already poured too much of myself in it, hence our names, as an artist gives its A-R-T to create art. Therefore, I refuse to put too much more.

Emma Watson's initials are EW

But she's one of my favorites, just because she was in Harry Potter and has a British accent. Plus, I really like her hair.

So yesterday I kind of messed up.. ate like 2000 calories. It was the ice cream. the Drumstick fun flavor by Dreyers. They have chocolate covered peanuts and chocolaty swirls blended in vanilla ice cream, and it tastes absolutely blissful to me.

But today was pretty good(: I had two sandwiches (350) before dinner. A serving of rice with broccoli soup, and about half a pork chop, then a serving of fried rice, probably totaling about 700. I've already brushed my teeth and put in my retainers and it's only 8pm right now, but I think I might have some strawberries and a cup of almond milk later because I need the vitamin C and calcium.

Only exercise today was some stretching and about 3 minutes of jumping rope, lol.

My parents often go out to walk after dinner, but I never go with them. I don't know why, but I find it weird. I'm not really close to my parents but we are on good terms mostly. Maybe I'll start going with them this week...

Goal for the week:
- stay under 700 cal before dinner
- under 1500 cal each day
- get back to 92 ish lbs in the mornings by the end of the week
- do some sort of exercise/stretching every other morning

I know my intakes probably a lot to most of you, but I shouldn't gain weight at least. And I'm not trying to lose weight fast, but take it slowly. Besides, I'm on my period this week. I don't know if its true, but I heard that you don't really gain weight when you're on it, despite how much you eat (unless you like super binge of course). I sometimes make this week the most restricted since I usually don't get too hungry, but it seems like thinking about it jinxes it and makes me hungry.

Goals:
- dip under 90 lbs in the morning by the end of summer
- under 88 lbs by the end of the year
- under 85 lbs by the end of next summer

It sounds a lot more doable with these increments.

And by the way, I really don't like hummus at all. I got the original one on Sunday, and tried it as soon as I got home. I still need to finish it though, so that my parents won't get mad at me.

And thanks to the two people who are now following my blog(: It made me quite excited to see I had followers, haha.

I have bananas at home now

So I've already messed up today. My parents have the day off. My dad brought home donuts. My mom's making my absolute favorite food: bun rieu (this vietnamese noodle soup). I think my grandma gave us roast suckling pig too. So far I've had about half a cream cheese croissant, a piece of the pig, and a cup of green tea. And it didn't even really fill me up, but I'm not hungry right now, thank goodness. So I think that's about 300 calories so far.

My goal this week is to just stay under 700 calories before dinner, meaning my daily intakes should add up to be about 1200. With some exercise, I could lose a lb or so.

I have this horrible habit though. When I mess up my plan, I just want to screw myself over even more. I go, "screw this," and let the day go completely awry, because I don't care; I've already messed up, and so I let myself binge and not think twice about it. If it didn't work the opposite way too, as in when I do good I do really good, I would be so screwed, haha. But today, I really don't want to do that. I'll make things work. Messing up a little is like losing a battle. But I can still win the war.

Or actually, tennis is a better metaphor. One small slip up may lose me a game. But if I let it get the best of me, I may lose the set, the match, the championship. Tennis players have to remain calm and keep their minds clear. They can't let their emotions get the best of them, like Zvonareva did. No. You need to overcome that slip up. Let it go. Continue to fight. Keep your mind set on the goal. Even if you don't win, it's a lot more honorable to lose the set 6-7 than 1-6.

I need to keep this in mind.

So, I will eat an apple (80), 2 cups of broccoli (80), and a sandwich with chicken lunchmeat using 70 cal double fiber bread (175), and maybe a boiled egg white (20) for the protein. This will give me a total of 655 before dinner. But for dinner, I know I will eat a whole lot, since it's my absolute favorite (the bun rieu). Honestly, I like it so much, I can't even feel guilty about it. Good thing my mom doesn't make it often. Only maybe three times a year.

Oh, btw, I'm trying to get more fiber in my diet, hence the double fiber bread. Normally I eat this delicious 45 cal one, but I need more fiber.

And yes, this post was just so that I could verbally remind myself to stay on track. Which reminds me, I really need to write an essay I should have started an hour and a half ago..

The Skinny I Want to Achieve

- thighs that don't touch
- nice leg gap
- arms that curve in or at least goes straight down
- flat stomach
- visible xylophone
- visible rib bones
- visible hip bones
- fit a size 0 comfortably

I feel like there's more, but that's all I can think of right now. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'll be able to achieve all this with my goal weight. My thighs have always touched. It's not that it's my bone structure, but that I've always had fat there. I feel I can achieve the visible bones as they're already starting to show. The rest I could probably achieve also, but it would require more work and exercise, probably. But I'm not really good with that ):

applesauce

Ate quite a bit, but fuck it, it's independence day.

probably around 1800 cal, I'm thinking.
- ice cream (500)
- flatout bread w/ a ramdom stuff (200)
- noodles w/ mini wontons and egg white (350)
- rice cracker (25)
- popcorn (100)
- 1/2 cup kashi (70)
- pistachios (100)
- a whole packet of gum (80)
- dinner: pizza, macaroni, chicken, korean short rib (800)
total: 2225. well, gee, fuck.

Not much exercise either. I felt so lazy today. But I did go to the park in the morning and played around for like half an hour. I love being a kid.

I hate not knowing exactly how many calories are in the things I eat now.

Tomorrow I will eat things whose calorie content is within my knowledge and grasp.

Sunday: New Week, New Blog.

Okay, so this is a new blog. I just suddenly got a bit paranoid that people I know in real life may realize my old blog was me, since I also had a personal blog using the same account, and I just can't bear to delete either one.

Anyways, here are my stats:
Age: 16
Height: 4'11.5 (151 cm)
HW: 103 lbs (46.7 kg)
SW: 98 lbs (44.5 kg)
CW: 94 lbs (42.6 kg)
LW: 91.2 lbs ( 41.4 kg)
GW: 85 lbs

I don't really know my measurements, because I don't really have anything to measure with or even know how to.

This past week was pretty bad for me, diet wise. I had 2 days of eating 1400-1500 cal and the rest was like 2000-2300. I had promised myself I wouldn't go on the scale for the week, because I felt I may have been getting too obsessed with it, but it just makes me go so off track. I gained two lbs. Well, actually, I just checked my old blog. I actually gained only 1.2 lbs in that week (ended yesterday). But well, in one and a half weeks, I went from being 91.2 lbs in the morning to 94.2 lbs, so you can see what I mean.

Normally, I would feel completely horrible and disgusted, but the week was actually pretty good and I mostly enjoyed myself. There were a lot of big events that called for eating also. I mean, I want to lose weight, but I don't want to forget that I'd like to be able to live it up and not worry when I actually do reach my goal weight. So I ate. There was my mom's birthday, a dinner when my parents got back from vacation, an independence day bbq, a huge club banquet and all you can eat korean bbq, and also just the spontaneous someone-just-bought-me-food-and-now-i-have-to-eat-it moments. There were also a lot of moments I really didn't have to and shouldn't have eaten yet did so anyway, but still, I'm not upset. It feels like it's not going to be too hard to lose the weight again.

I've had fun, but now I need to get back on track.

This morning, despite the bbq yesterday, I lost weight and weighed in at 93.6 lbs.

I'm looking forward to following new blogs and blogging more myself. I'll try not to get too wordy and listy and pointless with this blog, but actually write stuff that shows more of who I am instead of just focusing on this weightloss stuff and maybe even something people might enjoy reading.